Written by Tracy Bell, LCPC, NCC, Heritage Counseling Center, Plainfield, IL
I once heard someone say that unforgiveness is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. I will never forget that statement because I think it sums up the need to forgive quite well. Unforgiveness only hurts the person who does not forgive. Forgiveness is not for the benefit of the other person. It’s for your benefit. Forgiveness is about breaking free from the chains of anger, bitterness and resentment. FORGIVENESS IS A GIFT YOU GIVE YOURSELF.
I know that many reading this are thinking, “If you knew what my spouse, parent, sibling, or co-worker did you wouldn’t be able to forgive them either.” Certainly there are many sins that are committed against us—such as adultery, slander, lies, betrayal, abandonment—which are extremely hurtful and often bring pain so deep that you do not know that you will ever get over it. I want to offer some encouragement and tell you that, in fact, you can get over the pain. Forgiveness is a necessary step on that journey. Let’s take look at what forgiveness is.
Forgiveness is healing; it gives one courage to look honestly at the events of the past and the opportunity to see them with new lenses. It is a new way to remember and the only way to hope for a better future after a bad past. Forgiveness is surrendering the right to vengeance. Forgiveness is giving up the right to restitution for the hurt suffered. Forgiveness is an act of mercy; it rejoices in our growth. Forgiveness is essential for a free future. Forgiveness is a choice.
In Matthew 18:21-35, Jesus instructs us that we must forgive our neighbor 77 times. Does this mean that we should allow others to hurt us over and over again? No. Forgiveness is not letting the other person off the hook or a reason to overlook their behavior. Forgiveness does not mean that you have to stay in a relationship with the person who hurt you. So what about spouses or parents or siblings that have sinned against you but you do not want to end a relationship with? In these cases, you may need to forgive over and over. In some relationships, forgiveness is a minute to minute process. Forgiveness is necessary even when the person who hurt us doesn’t ask for forgiveness.
Some signs that you may not have forgiven are if you replay the offense over and over in your mind, if you give reminders of the offense to the one who hurt you or if are unable to desire the best for them. Forgiveness does not mean that the memories of the hurt will be erased but when you choose forgiveness, the pain of the offense will decrease overtime.
Forgiveness is a process and often takes time. Forgiveness requires God’s help. The first step toward forgiveness is to be willing to forgive. Ask God to open your heart and to empty your mind of the hurt. Tell Him you no longer want to be in bondage to the other person and to their sin.
The second step is to begin to pray for the person who has hurt you. Ask God to put a hedge of protection around them and to bless them.
Forgiveness is a new way to remember and the only way to hope for a better future after a bad past. FORGIVENESS IS A GIFT YOU GIVE YOURSELF.
