Sexual addiction typically occurs in the following stages:
- Preoccupation with fantasies of sexual prospects and situations
- Ritualization or repetition of sexual activity
- Compulsion with sexual activity despite negative consequences of it
- Deviant behavior into the “darker” regions of sexual activity D
- Despair—the guilt and shame over the inability to control behavior or to feel unable to experience remorse.
Sexual addiction is often complicated by chemical dependency and/or eating disorders. It can lead to unhealthy relationship activity. Contributing to and complicating sexual addiction is a chemical in the brain activated by imaginary and sensory stimulation that physiologically leads to feelings of euphoria that overrides the ability to regain and maintain control, even in the presence of intellectual and spiritual conviction. The result is feelings of debilitating guilt and shame that promote additional addictive behavior. People with good, even godly, intentions can feel paralyzed by their “secret life” in relationships with those they love the most.
Jeffrey D. Murrah is the author of the following:
The desire for ‘more’, is what often leads people to develop addictions to love and affairs. Although it sounds extreme to some segments of the population, there is a phenomena known as ‘love addiction”. Those afflicted with it are often seeking the strong blast of feel good brain chemicals associated with falling in love rather than the long term commitment. When they see a perspective person, they begin fantasizing. The fantasies are often accompanied by purchases associated with a new relationship. Even before they meet the ‘love of their life’, their adrenalin and other brain chemicals are working overtime after being triggered by expectations. Their fantasies about what the new lover will be like, propels them into an emotional frenzy. These people find themselves reacting without thinking. Their thinking often becomes obsessive. While in this state, they are in a form of hypnotic trance. These love addicts are more focused on romance than sex. With the love/romance addict, there are often periods when they will swear off relationships. This is only temporary. Soon they find the right person and they are once again in the midst of extreme behaviors. They never seem to learn from their mistakes and repeat a relationship binge and purge cycle.
Some love addicts report being ‘bored’ with traditional relationships, and actively seek out extreme relationships. What these love addicts find is that they often discover that they excuse dangerous or unacceptable behaviors and keep seeking relationships that are ‘more’ extreme. They find themselves drawn to partners that are increasingly abusive and cling to those relationships despite the possible dangers.
Affairs and Sexual Addiction: Driven by hormones?
Understanding love addicts and sexual addicts is important in dealing with affairs. Love addiction appears more with females, whereas sexual addictions are more prevalent among males. These are not exclusive categories, just gender prevalence with them. In each case, the stimulation of hormones are a major factor in their addictions.
The hormone phenylethlamine (PEA) is a major culprit in these addictive processes. Although PEA is a major factor, other hormones also play a role in the development of addictions. Some of the other hormones include dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine. Together they form a powerful chemical cocktail that changes human behavior. Often times the affair is not driven by a dislike of the spouse, but rather by the addictive processes driven by the hormones mentioned above, that are going on with their spouse. Responding to such compulsive behavior as in the love addict or sex addict requires a different approach than dealing with someone who is looking to scratch a seven year itch. Although the public often jokes about sex addicts, those afflicted with sex or love addiction suffer miserably. Sexual acts are about performing and seeking a release as part of a cycle rather the enjoyment of enjoying another person in the act of love. When people start a new relationship, even an affair, there is excitement.
In the case of an affair, there is the excitement of learning about someone new along with the excitement that goes with engaging in activities that are seen as forbidden. The Bible even mentions that “bread eaten in secret is sweet”. There is something about engaging in the forbidden that is alluring. This double dose of excitement makes the experience very emotionally intense. The strong intensity of emotions, besides making the person feel good, has some other effects. The extra strong intensity often triggers reactions in the brain chemistry. Modern science is finding that the ideas that have been known in addiction communities for many years does have solid biological foundations. The changes in brain chemistry begin a process where the person wants that level of stimulation again. Without a lengthy explanation of the brain chemistry involved in “falling in love”, the simple explanation is the person enjoys the sensation and wants more of it.
Signs & Symptoms of Love/Sex Addiction
- Confusing love and sex
- Unable to concentrate due to the power of obsessive thoughts
- Looking for someone to “fix” or take care of you
- Poor boundaries with others
- Talking seductively
- Frequent use of double meaning words
- Cosmetic surgery
- Unwanted tattoos
- Getting high from romance
- Compulsive contact with x-spouse or former partners
- Angry outburst when threatened with abandonment
- Preferring fantasy to reality
- STD’s (Sexually Transmitted Diseases)
- Dressing provocatively
- Frequent use of role play in sex life
- Feeling worthless without a partner
- Excessive jealousy
- Rapid weight fluctuations
It is not unusual that when in acute withdrawal that love addicts show physical symptoms. These may include the following;
- vomiting or diarrhea
- anxiety
- depressed mood
- joint pain
- body aches
- confusion
- cramps
- memory problems
- concentration problems
- crying spells
- low energy
- obsessive thinking
- sensitive skin
_______________________________________________________________________
Sexual Addiction
by Dr A. Dean Byrd
- Related to a biochemical imbalance in the brain
- Obsessions are intrusive, unwanted thoughts
- Compulsions are repetitive, unwanted behaviors
- Doing the compulsions makes the obsessive thoughts worse
- Changing your behavior creates experiences that change your brain chemistry
The Addiction Cycle
The addiction cycle begins with a preoccupation where the individual’s mood seems laced with thoughts of sex. Bordering a trance-like state, the individual begins an obsessive search for sexual stimulation. The second phase of the cycle is a ritualization process. There is a ritualized routine leading up to the sexual behavior approximating a kind of self-grooming. This ritual intensifies the preoccupation, adding arousal and excitement. The third phase is the acting out behavior itself. This compulsive sexual behavior is the actual end goal of the preoccupation and ritualization. Sexual addicts feel compelled to perform the sexual behavior. The last phase of the cycle is despair. This is the feeling of utter hopelessness over the behavior. The signs of addiction are many but typically include the following:
- Pattern of out-of-control behavior
- Severe consequences due to sexual behavior
- Inability to stop the acting out despite adverse consequences
- Persistent pursuit of self-destructive or high-risk behavior
- Ongoing desire or effort to limit sexual behavior
- Sexual obsessions and fantasy as a primary coping strategy
- Increasing numbers of sexual experiences because the current level is no longer adequate
- Severe mood shifts around sexual activity
- Inordinate amount of time spend obtaining sexual experiences
- Neglect of important social, occupational and/or recreational activities because of sexual behavior
_______________________________________________________________________________
Sex Addiction is a conditioned pattern of avoiding, escaping, medicating, and running from pain. Instead of recognizing that a problem exists, the addict will turn to the illusionary world of sex and fantasy. Over time, the addictive behavior cripples his ability to distinguish between what is real from what is unreal. Escaping the real world brings temporary relief but doing it enough times becomes habitual and eventually becomes addictive.
Many sex addicts get married with the belief that marriage will solve their problem but marriage fails to solve the problem. He fears telling his wife about his problem because he believes she would reject and abandon him. He tries to stop on his own and refuses to seek help. It doesn’t take long before the sex addict’s illusion of control callapses…his wife finds porn on the computer, his company fires him for looking at porn while on the job, he has an affair with a coworker, or he is arrested for trying to buy sex from a prostitute.
His illusion that he is in control of sex is now no longer a “reality.” (As if it ever was) The bubble has popped. He finally admits to himself that his life has become unmanageable and he is powerless to stop the behavior on his own. He is ready to get the help. This is the very purpose of this website….to direct these men to the place they can get the help they so desperately need!
It is important to understand that the sex addiction is not the “problem” but a false “solution” to the real problem of your emotional internal pain. Compulsive use of the “solution” (i.e., porn, affairs, prostitution, adult bookstores, etc.) turns habitual and then addictive. Falling back into perpetual patterns of sex addiction happens because the actual causes behind it are not examined and faced. The main issue of sex addiction is not the need for more sex, rather, it is to control and avoid relational pain. This is similar to how an alcoholic or drug addict uses alcohol or drugs to avoid their pain.
Sex is used to numb feelings and escape from the painful parts of life. The sexual experience becomes mood altering and in time becomes central to the sex addict’s life.
For many addicts, this dark emotion brings on depression and feelings of hopelessness. One easy way to cure feelings of despair is to start obsessing all over again. The cycle then perpetuates itself. (Carnes, “Facing the Shadow” 2006)
What is Sexual Addiction?
“A sexual addiction is occurring when the sexual experience has become the driving force of people’s lives to the sacrifice of their health, family, friends, values, and jobs. Sex addicts are people who have lost the power to choose when, where, and with whom they wish to be sexual.”
“Addiction is an illness of escape. Its goal is to obliterate, medicate, or ignore reality. It is an alternative to letting oneself feel hurt, betrayal, worry, and—most painful of all—loneliness.” (Carnes, “Facing the Shadow” 2006)
A person who is addicted to Sex is living in an imaginary, self-created world that avoids the possibility of experiencing rejection or the risk of pain that a real relationship can offer. It is a person’s attempt to avoid the pain often caused by real intimacy. The sex addict is essentially creating a pseudo-relationship with someone/something that can be controlled and manipulated; such as a picture, a video, or a prostitute.
The main issue of Porn and Sex addiction is not the need for more sex, rather, it is to control and avoid relational pain. This is similar to how an alcoholic or drug addict uses alcohol or drugs to avoid their pain.
Sex addicts desire to connect with others but due to childhood disconnection with their parents (due to divorce, abuse, neglect, abandonment, death, addictions, etc.), the addict attempts to fill the void by bonding with something/someone “safe” and controllable. The sex addict tries to connect with the “unreal” (or fantasy) rather than the a real connection.
The addiction cycle is rooted in a larger addictive system which starts with a belief system. The belief system is a collection of convictions, myths, and values that affect the decisions we make.
At the core of this belief system are ideas the sex addict hold to be true of self and are:
“I am basically a bad, unworthy person.” “No one would love me as I am.” “No one will take care of my needs but me.” “Sex meets my need.” “Sexual activity becomes all about me and my survival.” “Selfish ‘me’ sex leaves me empty and feeling shame.
There is an internal logic that flows like this: “Because I am unworthy, no one would love me if they really knew what I was like on the inside. Consequently, my needs are never going to be met if I have to tell the truth about who I am. Given that sex is my most important need, I will never be able to depend on another person who really knows me to get it.”
Out of this situation flow all kinds of delusional thinking which allows the addictive cycle to flourish. It essentially distorts reality or even blocks the awareness of what is going on around the addict. The addictive cycle becomes the driving force in the addict’s life. Bad things and consequences begin to happen. What the 12-steps call “unmanageability”. Lies, covering up, and inventing ways to keep losses at bay do not stop the accumulation. Sooner or later, their life becomes a mess. Addicts find themselves despairing about how complex, stressful, or awful their lives have become. The feelings of despair confirm their dysfunctional beliefs about being an unlovable person. Thus the system only strengthens and repeats and repeats.
Sex addicts get caught into a repetitive cycle called “The Addictive Cycle” (bottom part of above drawing). It starts off with:
Preoccupation or “sexual pressure” involves obsessing about being sexual or romantic. Fantasy becomes an obsession that serves in some way to avoid life. The addict’s thoughts become focused on reaching a mood-altering high without actually acting- out sexually. He thinks about sex to produce a trance-like state of arousal in order to fully eliminate feelings of the current pain of reality. Thinking about sex and planning out how to reach orgasm can continue for minutes or hours before moving into the next stage of the cycle.
These obsessions are intensified through the use of ritualization or “acting out”. A sex addict first cruises and then goes to a strip show to heighten his arousal until he is beyond the point of saying no. Ritualization helps to put distance between reality and sexual obsession. Rituals are a way to induce trance and further separate oneself from reality. Once the addict has begun his ritual, the chances of stopping that cycle diminish greatly. He is giving into the pull of the compelling sex act.
The next phase of the cycle is sexual compulsivity or “sex act”. The tensions that the addict feels are reduced by acting on their sexual feelings. They feel better for the moment, thanks to the release that occurs. Compulsivity simply means that addicts regularly get to the point where sex becomes inevitable, no matter what the circumstances or the consequences. The compulsive act, which normally ends in orgasm, is perhaps the starkest reminder of the degradation involved in the addiction as the person realizes that he has become nothing more than a slave to the addiction.
Almost immediately reality sets in and the Addict begins to feel ashamed. Like a dog, he has returned to his vomit. This point of the cycle is a painful place where the Addict has been many, many times. The last time the Addict was at this low point, they probably promised to never do it again. Yet once again, they act out and that leads to despair. He has betrayed God, possibly a wife, and his own sense of integrity. At a superficial level, the addict hopes that this will be the last battle.
For many addicts, this dark emotion brings on depression and feelings of hopelessness. One easy way to cure feelings of despair is to start obsessing all over again. The cycle then perpetuates itself. (Carnes, “Facing the Shadow” 2006)
Carnes gave this example: Late one evening, Del pulled up next to a young woman at a stoplight. He had always had the fantasy of picking up a woman on a street. He looked at her and she smiled at him. Del became very excited. They drove side by side for several blocks. She returned his stares at each stop sign. Soon she pulled ahead of him, turned off the road, and pulled to a stop. He followed and pulled up behind her. She waved towards him and pulled out again. Del thought she wanted him to follow. Del’s mind raced ahead to where she could be leading him. She drove in the direction of a well-known local restaurant with a popular late night bar. Convinced that was where they headed, he speculated that after a drink, they might end up at her apartment. His mind filled with fantasies, he pulled up behind her when she stopped. As he was opening his door, she leaped out of her car and dashed into the building. Surprised, he looked up to see that he was not in front of the restaurant. Rather, she had stopped at the police station three blocks away. Horrified, Del got back in his car and raced home. While driving, he was in shock at how out of touch with reality he was. She had not been encouraging him to follow her but was in fact frightened. He, on the other hand, was so caught up in his fantasy he failed to notice that she was parking at a police station. (Carnes, 1983, pp. 2-3)
Reference: “Sex Addict Recovery” by Front Range Counseling Center
