by Steven Gledhill for FREEdom from MEdom Project
I want to thank each and every one of you that have spent some time in FREEdom from MEdom Project. I hope from the bottom of my heart that you were and continue to be blessed through this ministry and in the favor of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. May you find health and goodness as you walk in the generosity of our Lord in your pursuit of His best for your life.
2013 was especially challenging for me and the life of my family. God made it clear to me while in the darkness—in the madness—of the perfect storm that the call on my life is repentance into holiness. In the early months of 2013 came the undesired, unexpected crisis beyond anything I could have anticipated would ever happen to me. At the time when I was under tremendous stress—even panic—God graciously and from a place of compassion for one of His sons gave me a much needed, tangible sign that He was indeed on the case.
In the tumult of my difficulty I was all about getting things right; getting my act together with a heart of repentant worship to the Sovereign One. I basked in the presence of God like I hadn’t known for years. I think I was a better husband, father, and grandfather. I was a more effective counselor. I wrote for this ministry what I tend to think was some of my best stuff.
It was in the throws of that perfect storm that I wrote “Doubt in the Madness of the Perfect Storm”, about what it is to doubt and worry even when you believe that God is God and He is faithful. You know intellectually and believe spiritually in what God can do but still feel doubt emotionally what God will do. It is in that emotional struggle of doubt that James writes that we can ask for wisdom and God will give it without finding fault. If fear and doubt about the plan was a sin then even Jesus would have sinned in the garden prior to his crucifixion. He prayed three times to change the plan and sweat blood from a place of fear and stress. But Jesus still trusted in the author of the plan and knew intellectually that the plan was good and right and necessary. It doesn’t mean, though, that he had to want and like the torment that was behind it.
I knew and trusted in the author of the plan while in a place of crisis that caused a great deal of stress for me. I admitted by doubt and my fear to the author of the plan, asking for another way; for a way out. Unlike Jesus, I’m not sure I prayed out loud, “but Your will be done”, though I knew that the sovereign will of God would indeed be accomplished through the circumstance. Maybe I did say those words but not with the attitude of suffering for His name’s sake. I did not want to suffer like that.
But then something happened. By God’s hand of protection, deliverance, and provision I made it through. Funny thing about surviving a crisis the magnitude of the perfect storm. Initially, I couldn’t have been more grateful that I actually had a real genuine relationship with the sovereign authority for the entire universe; over each and every function of it; sovereign authority over each and every thing that has breath; sovereign authority over how it all has to come together to even work. I fear and revere God in that. But I am corrupt and jaded and at some point I stray from fearing all that God is and begin to separate the love and mercy of God from the justice of God. As I continue to distort the reality of all that God is, I take Him for granted. I tend to forget what it meant for God to carry me through the perfect storm that devastated my life as I was held captive by it.
I strayed from the trend toward repentance in how I was motivated to live throughout my days. More and more I grew ambivalent about the activation of blessing from the Creator in my life’s routines. Like the healed paralytic was ambivalent in his new-found freedom and trended back toward a lifestyle of sin until caught again by his healer, I strayed from the path of freedom in my resistance to a lifestyle and attitude of holiness. At best I grew inconsistent and it could be said that I became defiant in my disobedience to the call to holiness. The Spirit of God will speak to my mind to the point that I am absolutely aware, and then I will continue in my sin anyway since, after all, my loving Father has to forgive me… Right? Isn’t that how it works?
The call in this new year, and I suppose, every day of every year, is the call for consistency to do what my Lord says, if I actually believe what I profess, that Jesus Christ is Lord… master… of my life.
“So why do you keep calling me ‘Lord, Lord!’ when you don’t do what I say?” Luke 6:46 (NLT)
Do you want the full context of the sensibility behind what Jesus was emphasizing about obedience in relationship with Him?
“A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. What you say flows from what is in your heart. So why do you keep calling me ‘Lord, Lord!’ when you don’t do what I say? I will show you what it’s like when someone comes to me, listens to my teaching, and then follows it. It is like a person building a house who digs deep and lays the foundation on solid rock. When the floodwaters rise and break against that house, it stands firm because it is well built. But anyone who hears and doesn’t obey is like a person who builds a house without a foundation. When the floods sweep down against that house, it will collapse into a heap of ruins.” Luke 6:45-49 (NLT)
What did Jesus say? “Floodwaters?” Jesus was referring to my perfect storm. The floodwaters definitely came and slammed against the house that is my life. It was certainly a scary, desperate time. I thank God that the house is built on a firm foundation in relationship with Christ. But God clearly called me to repentance and into holiness as He saved me from potential disaster. There have been steps in the right direction but I have also fallen down a lot as I am clumsily inconsistent in my walk.
There are always the critics that expect more from me than what I have delivered. The easy response to the critic is, “Who are you to judge me?” It is easy to discard the critic as self-righteous. The men I counsel at the prison often struggle to accept criticism from a fellow inmate since after all, he too has inflicted injustice against an unsuspecting victim. So then the message of honest responsible feedback gets lost and is wasted. I have a tendency to do the same with some of the critical feedback I receive.
Then there are the apologists who have my back and defend and suggest that perhaps I am too hard on myself. No one is perfect. God is a forgiving, merciful God. It might be suggested that the injustice lies in the notion that I am beating myself up. They might even suggest that my behavior, my expressions of anger, my resentment, my intentions, are justified. Isn’t God using me to do some really good things in my job at the prison and through my ministry? Don’t I do more good than harm? It’s all okay. The apologist is usually an enabler.
So then, how do I discern truth in this call to consistency in living a life that is holy, and when I err, repentant?
This is the barometer of authenticity and strength of relationship as the Spirit of God affords me wisdom and discernment to demonstrate within my own character rigorous honesty with the arrow pointing up toward integrity moving forward. It’s been said that integrity is doing the right thing when nobody’s looking. Allow me to suggest that integrity is doing the right thing when only God is looking. He is always looking after His son. God is sovereign and I cannot hide a single thing from Him. Yet, there are times when I will behave or entertain thoughts as if God doesn’t exist. What is that?
This is why when working the twelve steps that it is necessary to work them in order. I need to believe that I can on my own do nothing; meaning that I have no authority to affect anything beyond my control, including automatic thinking my brain likes to engage in whether morally approved or not. I need to accept and fully believe in the sovereignty of God in the person of Jesus Christ and accept that He loves me unconditionally. I need to surrender what I cannot control—my will and the entirety of my life—over to the will and care of the one sovereign (authority and control) God who loves me.
Once that is truly realized I can begin the process of what I am writing about. I can take inventory of what I tend to do and think honestly and without fear since God has lavished upon me the wisdom to discern truth, no matter what is said or implied by the critics as well as the apologists. God has revealed to me that the exact nature of my wrong is that I am selfishly entitled and my thoughts and behavior reflect that, thus I have need for a Savior to empower me to overcome my addiction to me through real recovery.
As I become aware of my character defects another decision is required. I need to be entirely ready to let them go. More specifically, I need to be willing to let go of my need and, dare I say, obsession with control. For me, my preoccupation with control is evident in the anxiety I experience as I sense it has escaped me. I fight to get it back. I might huff and puff. I might pout and complain. I might withdraw and isolate. I might be overly defensive. Since letting go is what I know is necessary to experience peace and joy, it is ambivalent emotion sometimes raging within me that is resistant to giving up something so destructive and dysfunctional. Bottom line is that I must be entirely ready to let go of the illusion that I am in control, since if I was in control I would not have lost it. (Think about that for a minute or two.)
As I entrust God to address and remove my shortcomings, it is only as I surrender them to Him, not withholding anything, that I experience a real sense of freedom from them, meaning they no longer have power over me; they do not own me. These character flaws and shortcoming include my resentments and pride. I am free to seek forgiveness, as well as to forgive. However, the eighth step targets and challenges my ambivalence again, asking me if I am really willing to let them go to make right with those I have harmed and perhaps have hurt me along the way. Once that decision is made, empowered by God I am able to act on it. There are feelings of apprehension and caution, but there is also a true sense of freedom, and whatever fear I may have is confronted with confidence.
I am sober-minded and continue self-examination in order to humbly acknowledge and admit when I am wrong because I recognize in an attitude of humility that I am indeed wrong. Sober-minded and in an attitude of humility continually pursuing the presence of God, I delve deeper into seeking His presence through prayer and meditation on the Word of God. Knowing God and growing in relationship with Him, I am compelled to share what I know. What compels me? As I grow in my love for my Savior, He instills in me a love for others He loves, and affords me opportunities to reach them, and the access to touch their lives in some way.
Things in the world and in America are messed up. I cannot on my own make the world a better place but I can find my place in the world and make it better. But not so fast. First things first. I need to give Jesus Christ the hidden places of my heart and mind so that He can make me better. I must be consistent in working through these steps I just laid out for you. It is through this consistency that I activate God’s blessing in my life and the life of my family and in the work I do for God, which in turn allows be to bless you through my obedient expression of blessing, mercy, and generosity, as I am empowered by Him. As I give Him my best, God in turn gives me His best; His good pleasure activated in my life.
For it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure. Philippians 2:13 (NKJV)
I want to encourage you today to repent of your mistakes and selfish choices. I want to challenge you to holiness, surrendered to obedience and empowered to will and to do for His good pleasure. I want to pray for you and I ask you to pray for me to be consistent in surrendered obedience, all the more bearing fruit, productive for His name’s sake.
Have a happy new year and may you and yours live in the very best of a new life experience growing daily in relationship with Jesus Christ. Amen to that.
