Mourning Sickness… Resistant to Repentant

by Steven Gledhill for FREEdom from MEdom Project

Jesus said, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” Matthew 5:4

“I especially liked the way you tackled the difficult topic of ambivalence and how our addictive behavior runs counter to the intellectual truth of the matter (common sense). There is a sorrow that the soul must go through in letting go of what it thought it loved. We have to come to the place where we truly get it that what God wants for us is GOOD. To some degree, our resistance to His will reveals that we do not really believe it is good—at least not the kind of “good” we want.” —Fran Leeman, Sr. Pastor, LifeSpring Community Church, Chicago (Plainfield), IL

Albert Ellis, in something he calls Rational Emotive Behavioral Theory (REBT), says that all too often we falsely interpret real-life events in our lives and develop irrational beliefs activated by these events. The problem with these irrational beliefs is that when we act on them, we tend to make poor choices that lead to what at times are most dire consequences. It is an irrational belief system that fuels ambivalent feelings that have powerful influence over our choices.

Ambivalence is the result of feeling pulled in opposite directions. We are motivated to do one thing while simultaneously equally motivated to do the opposite of that thing. Ambivalence is the lack of discrepancy between opposing motivations that fosters resistance against our recovery. To counter resistance, one needs to address and challenge ambivalence in an effort to increase discrepancy between conflicting desires and perceived needs. Authentic recovery requires letting go of obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors that fuel our addiction to self—MEdom; very hard to do.

What is very real is the sense of loss and discomfort we experience when we’re effective in our letting go. This is due to something referred to as homeostasis. A definition of homeostasis is “the process of maintaining a stable psychological state in the individual under varying psychological pressures or stable social conditions in a group under varying social, environmental, or political factors.” In other words, our psychological well being is constantly in pursuit of balance, what feels right and normal. At some point, as the pattern of irregularity and dysfunction in our lives are repeated enough, they are perceived internally as regular and functional. What is unhealthy is accepted on the inside as healthy. What is commonly known as imbalance eventually is perceived as balance. What might commonly be known as abnormal is believed to be normal.

To combat dysfunction we will seek a remedy. When a marital relationship becomes increasingly dysfunctional, one or both spouses might seek out additional relationships for a number of possibilities to remedy the marital dysfunction. Children in dysfunctional family relationships might act out at school, or get involved in gang activity, or become involved with alcohol and drugs. It may or may not be attention-seeking. What it is, is the effort to remedy discomfort and discontent regarding the dysfunction in their home life. Adults may also turn to alcohol, drugs, compulsive gambling, compulsive eating, compulsive spending, and so on. As the behavior is repeated, it becomes “normal” as the systematic routine for attempting to solve problems.

As thought patterns and habitual behavior become so a part of the fabric for “living” that even when one’s life situation improves, the behavior continues, generating a new set of problems and challenges. The obsessive thinking patterns and compulsive behavior (acting out) have evolved into a kind of ritual that must be performed just to feel a sense of normal and balance. Any deviation from the routine will not be tolerated. As the behavior carries with it risk and cost, and attempting to reduce or extinguish the behavior becomes increasingly disruptive and painful, and deemed detrimental to stop it, it is called addiction; the remedy to solving the problem of dissatisfaction.

The conscious effort to change the behavior is recovery. Recovery is incredibly challenging.

As we choose to submit to recovery God’s way, living according to His plan of blessing for us, it can be especially difficult to resist what we have believed we’ve needed to experience contentment. The draw of our irrational belief system can be painful. The loss of what we have believed for so long was precious and of primary importance, will leave us in mourning, grieving for that which we have lost. This ambivalence can jeopardize the sincerest attempt at honest recovery. We still need relief from the stress, both the original stress before recovery, and now the added stress (growing pains) while in recovery.

An example of ambivalence for me is when the alarm sounds in the morning. I am a night owl and tend not to be a morning person in the sense that I am not interested in getting up when the alarm has awakened me. I would prefer to hit the snooze button and sleep another nine minutes. I need to get up out of bed but that does not immediately appeal to me so I am resistant to getting up. The problem with that is that I have come to understand that I get nothing out of those nine minutes. They feel like mere seconds from the time I hit the snooze to the time the alarm sounds again. When I was young I believed that I could simulate sleeping in by setting my alarm to go off 45 minutes before I absolutely had to get up to have sufficient time to get myself ready for school or work. I would hit that snooze button five times every nine minutes. This cat-and-mouse game of chasing sleep was no longer possible when I got married if I wanted to stay married (which I did). Besides, even though it was kind of cool to simulate sleeping in by setting my alarm extra early, I came to realize I was feeling a bit sluggish having deprived myself of some 45 minutes of legitimate sleep.

The relief I achieved each time was only temporary. It felt good to put my head back down and close my eyes, but then the alarm went off again and with it came that desperate feeling for wanting more sleep. This is an example of the insanity of addictive behavior. I was doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result—that being the avoidance of the discomfort of getting up out of bed. Instead the alarm kept going off.

When my alarm sounds, I have ambivalent feelings. I want to sleep, but I also want to get up because it is necessary to earn a living. If I made it a habit to give in to the occasional euphoria of snoozing those extra nine minutes, it would be at the expense of my livelihood (after getting fired from my job for excessive tardiness). Sleeping in is the opposite motivation to getting up and earning a living so I have to consider both ends of the scale. Do I have more to gain sleeping in or do I have more to gain earning a living? Do I have more to lose with less sleep or do I have more to lose by not getting up to go to work? Is the extra nine minutes of non-productive sleep worth losing a client because I didn’t get to my appointment on time?

Ambivalence might be best described as a kind of internal disagreement. Something is fun. Wow, is it ever fun! Over time it becomes less fun. Disagreement grows from within as to how fun the thing really is. What was fun is getting old and no longer fun. What was fun is actually becoming kind of painful. It’s really painful now. Have to stop because it hurts too much. After stopping it still hurts. Decide not to do that thing anymore since it hurts. Over time the thing becomes less painful. In fact, the thing really doesn’t hurt at all anymore. Remember when the thing was fun? Disagreement grows from within that the thing isn’t painful but it might be fun. Doing the thing again because it’s fun… Until it becomes less fun again and becomes increasing painful… and the cycle of ambivalence continues into addiction. Addiction when full grown is permanent destruction and death.

The trick is to use the ambivalence to disagree with the rationale (reasonableness) of addictive behavior that is attached to adverse consequence until it no longer makes sense to continue in it since it hurts too much with a certain degree of permanence. Choosing to challenge ambivalence is to identify beliefs that prove to be irrational and then rationally challenge those beliefs and justifications through recovery. It’s a choice between life and hell. To choose life is to choose to live in the glory and excellence of God’s best, available to all who commit to recovery from selfish ambition God’s way.

As we consider recovery, to not acknowledge our ambivalent feelings about our recovery is to be in denial with a tendency toward resistance to the work of recovery. Ironically enough, the euphoria and relief achieved using alcohol and drugs might not last much longer than nine minutes. Expressing my rage through vengeance against you can provide so much relief for me, even though the relief may not last much longer than nine minutes. That problematic sexual experience might bring incredible pleasure, though maybe not for much more than nine minutes. But those nine minutes can feel so good. Then, when the nine minutes are up, we have the rest of our lives that are so often destroyed as a consequence of indulging in the addiction for those nine minutes. But we still tend to mourn the loss of our nine minutes of pleasure, satisfaction, and relief. The fact that our mourning over this loss can have such impact on us, even as we’re aware of the adverse consequences of the behavior against us and those that we love, is our sickness in addiction to self—MEdom.

Addiction is the process of continuing a pattern of destructive behavior despite adverse consequences even when the behavior and its destruction are out of control. Addiction is hitting the snooze button again and again even though it really accomplishes nothing and can result in destroying one’s livelihood. How many of us are willing to destroy ourselves and the people we love over a lousy nine minutes? We do it all the time.

I ask my clients to list all of the benefits and consequences of using alcohol and drugs (i.e., pleasure, euphoria, relief, courage, escape, using relationships), and then I have them list all of the benefits and costs of abstaining from using alcohol and drugs (physical and mental health concerns, trust issues, legal and financial concerns, marriage and family issues, spiritual aspects). I have them list every emotion and feeling they have, and every relationship they value that are affected on both sides of the isle of using and abstaining from their drug of choice. Then after they have developed their lists, I ask them to rate each issue, emotion and relationship on a value scale from one to one-hundred. We add together the benefits of using with the consequences of abstaining from alcohol and drug use. Then we add together the benefits of abstaining with the consequences of using alcohol and drugs. This gives us a ‘using’ score and an ‘abstinence’ score. I have yet to have a single client whose abstinence score wasn’t at least double their using score. This exercise might settle the matter of ambivalence on an intellectual level but it assures no one that they will decide in favor of recovery from their addictive problems.

The problem is that discovery and revelation of our destructive addictive nature does not change our addictive sin nature. It has by nature control over us. The benefit of an extra nine minutes of sleep is never in actuality advantageous. The benefit of recovery may outweigh the benefit of our addiction by a million to one, yet so often our addiction wins out and destroys us.

We continue to hold on to the thing that is killing us, even when we know how it is killing us and understand why it is killing us. Somehow, we cannot seem to overcome our addiction. Even when the benefit of freedom clearly outweighs the cost of captivity, we tend to continue to choose to remain captive. Paul described his own ambivalence to his Roman friends when he said, “I do the things I don’t want to do, and I don’t do the things I want to do. I continue to do those things I hate.” He was disgusted by his behavior and felt miserable about it but continued the behavior just as we do. It made no sense to him until he proclaimed that “it is no longer I that do it but the sin that dwells in me.” (Romans 7:20)

There is a continual battle between our sinful addictive flesh (attitudes and behaviors) and God’s Spirit of recovery that is alive in us. We have on the one side that which we have to gain and lose in our addictive sin, and on the other side in recovery that which we have to gain and lose when we turn our will and lifestyle over to God to work out his purpose in us. These ambivalent feelings provide the dilemma between living recovery our way versus living recovery God’s way. We may have little to gain going our own way and have a great deal to lose, and may have little to lose going God’s way with everything to gain, yet so often we yield to our selfish independent nature and stay on our own course; that is until consequences become severe enough that hopefully we come to our senses and realize we’re hurting real badly and want God’s help.

I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin. Romans 7:21-25 (NLT)

Jesus had occasion to heal a man who had been paralyzed for almost 40 years (John 4:1-15). We don’t know what happened that the man could not walk. The Scripture does not tell us that he was born that way. It is entirely possible that something happened to the man that left him paralyzed. It could have been a bad fall, or perhaps the man contracted a horrific disease that rendered him paralyzed. It’s possible that his condition was the result of bad behavior. Maybe he was brutally beaten as a very young man.

In any case, aware that the man had been laid up for a long time, Jesus approached him at the pool of Bethesda and asked, “Would you like to get well?” (John 4:6) This may seem like a peculiar question, but think about it in the context of this article about resistent recovery. The man went on to rationalize as to why he’d been unable to find the appropriate help to obtain the remedy required for his healing. The man didn’t yet know who Jesus was, so his elaborate response to a simple question was also a bit odd. Jesus then said to the man,

“Stand up, pick up your mat, and walk.” Instantly, the man was healed! He rolled up his sleeping mat and began walking!
(John 4:8-9)

The man had a physically transformative experience. He was healed, and he knew it.

The thing is: what if the man contracted a disease on account of his own behavior that had resulted ultimately in his paralysis? I ask the question because we can often invite tragic consequences into our circumstances as the direct result of our choices and behavior. This man went from being an invalid to heading right back into harm’s way. At least that is what Jesus thought.

But afterward Jesus found him in the temple and told him, “Now you are well; so stop sinning, or something even worse may happen to you.” (John 5:14)

Something “even worse” than paralysis? What could be worse than that? Temples in Bible times were often a den for prostitution. What if, as a young man, this fellow contracted a disease from a prostitute that at that time may have led to his paralysis? It appears as though Jesus went looking for the man, as though the job of the man’s recovery was incomplete. Sure enough, the man may have been after the thing he had been missing for 38 years. Could it be that he was in the process of repeating the same immoral behavior that may have cost him fellowship with God? Not so much as a punishment for sin, but because he broke fellowship with God in favor of his selfish pursuits. Isn’t that how we break fellowship with God in our lives, since we cannot worship ourselves and God at the same time? We are blessed with the Spirit of God and the Word of God, but this man had neither at that time, so Jesus sought him out physically.

Just when like we relapse back into patterns of addictive ‘me’dom thinking and behavior, so did this man. But Jesus pursued him, found him, and warned him of the danger of returning to that life. He had given the man new life through the use of his legs. Was the man going to take the blessing of a new life and take it back into his old life? Jesus made Himself known to the man so that relationship could be established beyond the physical transformation. Jesus addressed this time the man’s need for spiritual transformation. Something “even worse” than the worst of this world would be missing out on the best of the life God has for us in this life and beyond.

In the movie, “No Country for Old Men”, the villain tells a man that he has a choice concerning a coin flip. The choice for the man was to choose heads or tails as the villain held out a coin. He told the man his chances were 50-50. “You have to choose.” The man, fearing the unknown of random chance of a random consequence resulting from his choice—a consequence not made known by the villain—was completely torn and did not want to choose. Since we are free to choose to accept or reject God’s help we must indeed choose. Christ is heads and selfish ‘me’dom is tails. This time, though, it isn’t the flip of a coin; you just get to choose. You can simply choose heads and it’s done.

The Apostle Paul wrote, “Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord.” The word “Lord” means authority. Jesus Christ has authority over all things everywhere. In his authority as God, Jesus has, by his grace, afforded you the ability to decide for yourself where you’re going to go and what you’re going to do and when you’re going where you’re going to do it. The thing is it’s a big bad world out there. There is a devil roaming the earth seeking whom he may devour. There is also a very selfish inner voice—your inner voice—whispering to your thoughts what you need to think and do to get your own way, even at great risk. Your inner voice is subject to the master that is sin. Ask Christ to be the one to influence your inner voice. As you submit to the voice of God in your life your chances of making it fare far better than 50-50. Otherwise, you can do a lot of damage in nine minutes.

To experience freedom in your recovery from having to constantly negotiate between what your sinful flesh demands and pursuing the will of God in your life, requires the action of repentance. Standing in the middle looking to the right and to the left is not going to get it done. Because that little devil on your left, may not be a devil at all. It is your selfish sin nature dragging you back into an addictive pattern of thinking and living. Repentance occurs when you are finally broken in your struggle for what is truly best and realize that you cannot survive on your own. Once you admit that you are not in control, that your selfishness is controlling you, and submit your brokenness into the hands of God, believing He can and will empower you to repentance, you will be given the grace to turn completely from your selfish sin and pursue real relationship with Jesus Christ.

When you are submitted in your commitment to God—in relationship with Him, not as a religious undertaking—you do not have to worry that something “even worse” can happen to you. As you focus on your commitment to the One with the authority and willingness to empower you, you are transformed and renewed, free from the enslaving power of self-centered sin (read Romans 6-8). That is a promise, and you can know for certain in your heart, mind, and soul that, when it comes to promises, God is good for it.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and make me willing to obey you. The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God. Psalm 51:12, 17 (NLT)

Lessons: Resistant to Repentance (TWIRL 001) , and Between The Rock and a Hard Place (TWIRL 034)

DUI: Desire Under the Influence

by Steven Gledhill for FREEdom from MEdom Project

I have invested an awful lot of my time writing on the subject of desire with good reason. What I want is at the center of what drives behavior. I want to live my life to please God. I really do. But so much seems to get in the way.

My desire to please God requires obedience into doing life His way. The issue is not trying to figure out which is the right door to open, wondering what’s inside Door #1 and Door #2. It’s not “Let’s Make a Deal”. The doors are labeled by what I learn from the Bible along with my life experiences. There is God’s way to make me rich, according to what He desires, and there is my way to get rich, according to what I desire.

Both ways are selfish. That’s right. Even God’s way is selfish in that it (whatever “it” is) is what God wants for His children; His creation. God wants the pleasure of my obedience. God being selfish is good! God is holy, sovereign and perfect. God wants for me like a father wants for his sons and daughters. My selfishness, on the other hand, is bad; it’s weak. It is corrupted by sin and leads to evil. One way leads to the hope of new life, and the other way leads to the certainty of death (eternal dying).

For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him.
Philippians 2:13 (NLT)

God is at the same time selfless. In His selflessness He has afforded me free will. Since I am not God, free will is a problem for me. The stuff placed up front behind Door #2 is attractive; even compelling. The adverse consequences that comes with the stuff behind Door #2 is buried deep, way in the back. So I don’t see what comes with the stuff that looks, smells, tastes, feels, and sounds so good.

There is a manifest that reveals all that is behind each door. Behind Door #1—God’s way—are things that are more of a humble nature and that don’t cast a first impression as the most attractive things I’ve ever seen (you know… things like love, peace, mercy, grace, patience, self-control, kindness, long suffering, and somewhere in the back… eternal life); not much flash in front. The things behind Door #2—my way—are much more pleasurable in their appearance (wealth, stuff, sex, revenge, more stuff, winning, sexy, advantage, a lot more money and a lot more stuff); lots of flash. The bad stuff is on the manifest as well, but when I look inside I don’t see the bad, only what looks real good. I suppose I am much more attracted to flash (even blinded by it) than substance.

Which door will I walk through?

Why do I want what I want? Why don’t I naturally want what God wants?

Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires. Psalm 37:4 (NLT)

What does this promise actually mean? It’s an awesome promise! But how is it realized in my real-life circumstances? What do I do with it?

King David wrote this psalm. It is said by some that he composed this psalm toward the end of his life, when he had finally repented for the mess that had been his life as king, having experienced redemption into innocence by the grace of God. But this man after God’s own heart did a Jekyll and Hyde kind of thing for most of his adult life.

We know David to be a conquering hero that saved an entire nation when he cut off Goliath’s head and defeated the Philistines. He wrote Psalm 23 and 51 and 139… You know “Search me and know me” and “Create in me a clean heart” and “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.” He wrote beautiful words that reach deep and touch souls.

There was also the David that placed his carnal desires on a pedestal and pursued them relentlessly and ruthlessly.

Read 2nd Samuel and you might wonder if David was a serial rapist of sorts. The women submitted, but what choice did they have, really? He had the capacity for murder, you think abusing women didn’t come easy for the king?

Do you remember the news stories of Saddam Hussein and his sons pillaging whatever they wanted from whomever they wanted? Do you remember the reports that they would fetch women so that they could have their way with them? There is a television show running now about a tyrannical dictator whose son is doing this, and in the first episode he’s having sex with a woman in her bedroom while her husband and son sit in the hallway waiting for him to finish gratifying his rabid desires… but at who’s expense?

Some three thousand years ago, the author of those beautiful psalms fetched the teenage wife of his star general, had her brought to his bed in the palace, and had his way with her, gratifying his desires. Then oops… she became pregnant. And when he brought the general back from the war on weekend leave and sent him home drunk to make love to his wife to cover up her pregnancy… oops… the general passed out at the gate overwhelmed by a heart of loyalty to those soldiers under his command and did not go to his wife. So King David ordered his star general to the front line to be dealt with in combat, which for all we know, meant taking arrows and spears in his back. David actually conspired to commit murder, and did just that.

And how about this passage from 2nd Samuel?

When David returned home to bless his own family, Michal, the daughter of Saul, came out to meet him. She said in disgust, “How distinguished the king of Israel looked today, shamelessly exposing himself to the servant girls like any vulgar person might do!” David retorted to Michal, “I was dancing before the Lord, who chose me above your father and all his family! He appointed me as the leader of Israel, the people of the Lord, so I celebrate before the Lord. Yes, and I am willing to look even more foolish than this, even to be humiliated in my own eyes! So Michal, the daughter of Saul, remained childless throughout her entire life. But those servant girls you mentioned will indeed think I am distinguished!” So Michal, the daughter of Saul, remained childless throughout her entire life. 2 Samuel 6:20-23 (NLT)

These “servant girls”, otherwise known as slave girls, were likely teenagers under David’s authority and control. So, what’s that about in this passage? What is really going on here? It’s kind of dirty and disgusting, isn’t it?

David was anointed by God king of Israel. But then power and control overcame the meek nobility that made him so attractive to God in the first place. Desire was put to the test. David became sick with desire. Read 2nd Samuel and you might wonder if David was a serial rapist of sorts. The women submitted, but what choice did they have, really? He had the capacity for murder, you think abusing women didn’t come easy for the king? For the man with so much power and control with no one to stop him, his life of depravity, if made honestly into a movie, would be unwatchable for the Christ-centered audience.

The king confessed his sin to God in what we know to be this beautiful psalm of repentance (Psalm 51), but David was often under the rule of his carnal desires and continued to (at least emotionally) abuse his wives, corrupt his sons, and take advantage (sexually) of young women living in the palace.

Desire Under Investigation

How about we now take a closer look at this matter of desire.

Desire is defined by Merriam-Webster as a feeling with two central elements. There is what I hope for; and there is what I wish for. Hope is the longing for what is ultimately satisfying. It is the dream that is delighted in, admired, and cherished. A wish is what ought to be. It’s what I crave and covet, and even obsess over. What I hope and long for I love and adore. What I wish was right now makes me hungry and thirsty. One is worth waiting for and moving toward. The other is what I will settle for since it is immediate and better than it was.

Jesus said to the people who believed in him, “You are truly my disciples if you remain faithful to my teachings. And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” “But we are descendants of Abraham,” they said. “We have never been slaves to anyone. What do you mean, ‘You will be set free’?” Jesus replied, “I tell you the truth, everyone who sins is a slave of sin. A slave is not a permanent member of the family, but a son is part of the family forever. So if the Son sets you free, you are truly free. Yes, I realize that you are descendants of Abraham. And yet some of you are trying to kill me because there’s no room in your hearts for my message.” John 8:31-37 (NLT)

I have written plenty before about the role of ambivalence in the Christian life; the Christian life being recovery from my addiction to me. Jesus talked about being slaves to sin. He said that everyone is a slave to sin. David was a slave to sin. Apostle Paul wrote about being enslaved by sin to the point that even as a man that loved Jesus, loved God, and who loved life according to the moral standard of a Holy God, he betrayed the standard that is right relationship with God. Paul wrote about the insanity of trying so hard to live up to such standards to the point of feeling sick about it.

I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Romans 7:21-24 (NLT)

King David said this about his misery, tortured by opposing desires in conflict:

My guilt overwhelms me—it is a burden too heavy to bear. My wounds fester and stink because of my foolish sins… I am exhausted and completely crushed. My groans come from an anguished heart. You know what I long for, Lord; you hear my every sigh. My heart beats wildly, my strength fails, and I am going blind. My loved ones and friends stay away, fearing my disease. Even my own family stands at a distance. Psalm 38:5-64-5, 8-11 (NLT)

Ambivalence is resistance to recovery from sin addiction because it gives power to wishing what ought to be right now; that which feels better than it was. I might not be content to the extent that my joy is complete, but I feel closer to feeling content then I was when I give in to what I crave. Ambivalence is having more than one desire that I am equally motivated to pursue even though they are in direct opposition with each other. It is the war within. It is in these ambivalent feelings that I end up settling for immediate gratification (flash over substance) that is at it’s best fleeting. The more I settle for what gratifies the deeper I fall into what comes with it.

Enter the sin nature of fallen man. Enter the chemical biology of the human brain prone to pursue pleasure at great risk to reason and sensible sound judgment. The functions of the limbic system of the brain (dopamine: pleasure, relief, serotonin: mood, energy) when stoked are incredibly powerful and influential and able to override the judgment centers of the brain that allow inhibition and caution. The pleasure systems of the brain fuel feelings of ambition, lust, and greed. As these feelings interact and drive the motivation to defy common sense, ‘go’ behavior is launched into the senses until emotionally-driven selfishness takes over and intellectual reason no longer stands a chance of retaining its senses.

Paul wrote a great deal about this matter of desire. He wrote about spiritual desire and the desires of the flesh (carnal desire). Merriam and Webster also wrote about desire, suggesting that there is desire that takes an approach that is of higher sustainable value in that it is about what in the end satisfies; something hoped for with premium standards. Then there is desire on the lines of instant gratification; sacrificing higher standards for the purpose meeting current expectations. I could have ‘this’ but ‘that’ will do for now. The problem is ‘this’ comes from a place of purity with God-centric reward and intellectually makes the most sense, while ‘that’ comes from a place of self-centered, egocentric expectations and hitched to it are unintended real-life consequences.

They traded the truth about God for a lie. So they worshiped and served the things God created instead of the Creator himself, who is worthy of eternal praise! Amen. That is why God abandoned them to their shameful desires… Since they thought it foolish to acknowledge God, he abandoned them to their foolish thinking and let them do things that should never be done. Their lives became full of every kind of wickedness, sin, greed, hate, envy, murder, quarreling, deception, malicious behavior, and gossip. They are backstabbers, haters of God, insolent, proud, and boastful. They invent new ways of sinning… They refuse to understand, break their promises, are heartless, and have no mercy. They know God’s justice requires that those who do these things deserve to die, yet they do them anyway. Worse yet, they encourage others to do them, too. Romans 1:25-26, 28-32 (NLT)

What? How did we go from settling for instant gratification to heinous wicked sin and hating God? I might have problems chasing immediate gratification that, when I am honest, even I know falls short of what really satisfies, but just because I have less-than-adequate weak-minded ambitions doesn’t mean that I hate God. I haven’t killed anyone!

To be fair, there are parts of verses 26 and 27 from the passage above I left out since they refer to homosexual behavior and I didn’t want that to be a distraction from the larger point. Lust for the sex of someone that is not your Biblically-defined marriage partner is sin whether it is homosexual or heterosexual. Christians will often judge those with same-sex lust but then give a pass to those with heterosexual lust. Either, when acted upon outside of the Biblical framework of marriage, are equally sinful.

On the list of egocentric desire gone wrong is selfish pride, boasting, quarreling, deception, hate (resentment and jealousy are in this camp), deception, gossip, betrayal, conspiracy, and malicious behavior (vengeance is in this camp). Some of this list probably hits a bit closer to home; at least for me it does.

For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind.
James 3:16 (NLT)

Desire Under Invasion

When Adam fell into sin, something changed. What God created pure became infected with this idea to settle for less than God’s best. There is this notion that letting God control my life is somehow a bad thing because I don’t want anyone telling me what to do, even if it’s God! Even if it’s for my good? How does that make sense? Yet I’ll live as though it makes perfect sense.

In relationship with God, led by the Spirit of God, my soul has a fighting chance. The Holy Spirit is my assurance that I am known by God in relationship through Jesus Christ. He affords me the sensitivity and motivation to hold to what is best and ultimately satisfying. Yet, at the same time, my carnal sin nature continues to fuel the pleasure centers of my brain that want to venture into what I am now aware are the darker uglier places that I know cause me harm.

But then…

I am all too human, a slave to sin. I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. Romans 7:14-15 (NLT)

I do what I know deep down I do not want to do; so why do I do it?

Because what I want to do in relationship with God is to tap into the part of desire that is pure; the higher things hoped for. The egocentric in me, however, wants according to my pleasure-seeking sin nature; the shallower things that ought to be if I am going to feel content. So what I do not want to do, something in me (drawn by the pleasure centers of my brain fueled by my sin nature) wants very much to do it. Thus, I am ambivalent to wanting to surrender into obedience in relationship with my Higher Power, Jesus Christ. I am resistant to intentionally pursuing God-centric desires that He has installed in my spirit to more adequately quench my thirsting soul. My soul pants for living water in relationship with God. So why then do I indulge in the ritual of pouring poison down my throat?

Desire Under His Influence

Desire in and of itself is a good thing. To experience pleasure… is a good thing. God created pleasure. He created desire. He created desire and pleasure to be good and fun. What is joy? Joy is to be enjoyed. What is peace… freedom from discomfort and discontentment? Actually, peace is just that. We weren’t necessarily created to live in peace since opposition and oppression was never the intention. Peace is in the equation now since we have been oppressed by sin and its nature. We were not created to need freedom. To need freedom would mean that we are bound and oppressed. Freedom is comes when we realize absolute peace, and peace comes when we are free.

We were, however, created for the purpose of experiencing joy in union with God. And the day is approaching when we who know and are known by Jesus Christ will be having the time of our lives with Him while loving one another—when the time of perfection comes (1 Corinthians 13).

But for now…

Thank God that when I am weak, He is strong. When I lack integrity, God’s grace is sufficient! When I sin, God is faithful and just to forgive my sin, having acted on my behalf in mercy at the cross. When I lack judgment, God pours into me wisdom, without finding fault.

Are you ready for something amazing and beautiful?

After all of this talk about the ying and the yang of desire, check this out from the Word of God:

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1 (NKJV)

Why do I settle for less than God’s best? Because I struggle to believe that God truly loves me. If this were not so, I wouldn’t so easily jump the gun on His blessing. All through history, the icons of the Bible jumped the gun on God’s blessing, going all the way back to the beginning with Adam and Eve; Abraham jumping the gun on the promised son, and so forth.

The writer of Hebrews is addressing the very nature of desire and the issue of faith that gets in the way of surrendering to the process of provision and promise in relationship with the Father who didn’t even spare His Son to ensure that we have all that we need for today, tomorrow, and forever. Our Creator desires to give us what we hope for that ultimately satisfies, while also providing what ought to be to better for our quality of life today. What I must do is be in an attitude of prayer; the receiving position for blessing. God knows my need and He desires to fulfill my expectations.

My heart for fulfilled desire is hungry. My soul thirsts. My spirit, in relationship with God wants what God wants and has for me. My soul, even in relationship with God, craves pleasure as it was created to do. But sin has so corrupted what I find pleasurable that my thirsty soul seems to settle for whatever comes that looks and tastes good… you know… like all that cool stuff behind Door #2. It’s what Paul admitted was his problem; that which led to doing what he knew deep down was not satisfying.

What am I expecting ‘ought to be’? Is it the power of His presence? Is it a word of knowledge? Is it the experience of God’s mercy and love? Is it divine security over the life of my family? Is it for my children and grandchildren to experience sweet fellowship in relationship with Jesus? Is it a bigger house? Is it a newer car? Is it a promotion at work? Is it a healthier body? Is it more and better stuff?

What is influencing my desire that shifts the motivation from experiencing satisfying fulfillment to settling for “good enough for now”?

These are questions pertaining to desire that is wishing what ought to be. What is wrong with any of those questions? Nothing really. They are questions that can consume our attention. The thing to understand is that when I am consumed by the desire to grow in relationship with God to the place of intimacy that can be experienced without measure, I am so enraptured into communion with God that I am far less preoccupied with the material questions that are human to want, but take on a different meaning in the context of intimate relationship with Christ.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. Romans 12:1-3 (NIV)

My expectations are changed in communion with Christ because I am so much less about wanting what I expect, and far more focused on wanting what He expects. This is paramount to the God-centric experience because it isn’t really for God’s benefit. God does not become more or less satisfied because of anything I do for Him. He delivers to my soul satisfaction when I am in pursuit of Him and His righteousness (God’s best!).

“Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”
Matthew 6:33 (NLT)

Here is what I love about the Word of God. It is so intuitive to the problem of desire for someone with free will like me who is not God. The Spirit of God is so acutely sensitive to this problem of desire in the fallen nature of human beings that He breathed into the writers of the Word incredibly discernible scruples to articulate exactly what is needed for the edification of His people. So Jesus instructs me to aim high for the things that will truly derive contentment, while then trusting Him to provide “all these things” that ought to be until the time of perfection comes. And as I recognize that it is indeed God providing, I am in touch with the evidence that He is aware and engaged in my daily experience.

“If God is for us then…” Then what? Whom shall I fear? I can trust the evidence. The evidence is God filling my hungry heart; quenching my thirsty soul.

I lift my hands to you in prayer. I thirst for you as parched land thirsts for rain. Psalm 143:6 (NLT)

What if the passage below from Philippians 2:13 was understood for what God wants for you and I to experience in the best of being in relationship with Him?

For it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure.

God loves us loving Him. But he is already pleasure personified. What if what He really wants for us to understand is that living to experience Him engaged and working in and through us is what brings on the reality of our experience into His good pleasure? It is about what God wants and us wanting what God wants. In other words, delight in that! Delight in the experience of the pleasure of God and see if there is anything else you could possibly want.

I am made whole in Him, not because of anything I can do, but in fellowship with my generous Savior (rescuer, redeemer) and Lord (authority, master). He has redeemed my life. He has set me free! He has released me from my debt and bought me back after I sold my soul into slavery unto sinful, carnal desire. He has changed me into something and someone new, transformed who and what I am by rewiring my entangled, scrambled mind. Each day that I surrender to the practice of recovery God’s way, He installs His thoughts and intentions into my thinking process to the point that I have desires that are higher and bigger in purpose. I am less occupied with what gratifies in the short-term, and far more interested in and motivated by what satisfies long-term.

Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires. Psalm 37:4 (NLT)

When I am in that place, delighting in things hoped for in intimate fellowship with God, He delivers beyond my expectations. It is the most real, tangible experience that is truly beyond description. It is only rational in a spiritual sense, but as I stated, it is so so real.

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Ephesians 3:20 (NLT)

So faith is believing God for the tangible reality of my deepest desire. Faith also lies in the tangible reality of what I wish ought to be in my present circumstances… in my marriage… concerning my children… daily provision and protection. Faith is also in the tangible reality of my relationship with God as it ought to be. It is to be experienced to the extent that even my “wish” desires are centered on making the most of what ought to be experienced in relationship with God.

Like innocent children that absolutely trust their father in the moment, as well as for the happiness to come, because of the assurance in their belly that they are loved by daddy, I will rest easy when I come to absolutely trust in my Father, because of the assurance in my soul that I am loved by my daddy.

Thank God, my daddy is zealous and jealous for my attention and affection. Thank God, He is selfish about what He wants for me. Thank God, it means everything to Him to put His best into me and my life.

What Do You Want… Really? (Measuring Gain & Loss, Risk & Reward?)

by Steven Gledhill for FREEdom from MEdom Project…

“There are two kinds of people: those who say to God, “Thy will be done,” and those to whom God says, “All right, then, have it your way” —C.S. Lewis

It is God working in you to will and to act according to His purpose. Philippians 2:13

What is ambivalence? Ambivalence is having similar intensity of desire and motivation for more than one thing, but the things are opposite from each other. In other words, to have the one thing means forfeiting or sacrificing the other thing. When your alarm goes off in the morning, you might want desperately to stay in bed, but you also want the beneficial rewards that come with fulfilling the responsibilities of the day. Getting up might feel painful at first for a little bit of your time, but you adjust in order to experience the pleasure that comes with doing the good and right things you need to do throughout the day.

The scale of ambivalence is broad and the rewards and consequences escalate and the pleasure and the pain intensify. You might love your spouse and your children very much and hold them dear to your heart. Then perhaps at the job, or in that classroom, or at that commuter train terminal, or the person you carpool with… a relationship develops that becomes special to you for different reasons (usually sexual), and brings desire and temptation into your thoughts and beliefs that challenge all that you value and can sabotage your moral structure in the name of deserved gratification. You find yourself justifying the “relationship” as nothing more than this or that. It’s merely conversation… then becomes a ritual of meeting at a certain time in a certain place at the job site in the context of “we’re working”… then coffee together in the break room… then lunch… then drinks after work… then dinner and drinks after work… then… can’t stop thinking about it.

Or maybe it never gets that far. Maybe the relationship never evolves beyond your imagination. You simply entertain the fantasy. The relationship grows in your head, drawing you in, until it interferes with your attention to your spouse. You feel guilty; perhaps shame sets in. It becomes especially difficult to pray. You confess it to God, and then drift right back into the imaginary relationship fantasy. You love your spouse. You love God. The ensuing struggle is your ambivalence toward what is good and right and best for you and all involved.

We can be infatuated enough with anything that and powerfully drawn to a thing that it becomes obsessive, ritualistic, compulsive, even deviant. The primary issue at the heart of the matter is desire. What do you want? You may want the comfort and love connected to your marriage and your family, and the peace and joy connected to that love; but you may also want the gratification that comes with the affair at whatever level it is (casual flirtation to sexual to intense emotional feelings) that also feels like love. The problem is that these two things are opposite of each other. To have the one thing is to sacrifice and lose the other thing. Then when you lose your marriage and your family over the affair—the affair can be with another person, but it can also be with alcohol and drugs, food, gambling and competition, money and possessions, pornography, sports, romance novels, television, etc.—you say, “I didn’t want that!” “I didn’t want that to happen.” The reality, though, is that the loss of this marriage and this family of mine is in fact connected to that. It always was. You got what you wanted, but you also got what was connected to the other opposite thing you wanted. The ambivalence leading us down this road is resistant to what God is able and willing to do in our recovery when we let go of selfish fantasies caught in the core belief entitlement.

Working with men incarcerated for their criminal behavior, I have this discussion about ambivalence. These men are locked up in a drug-free (including nicotine) environment that is overcrowded, with extreme climate (no air conditioning in the hot and humid Chicago summer), lousy food, grunt work, sleeping in a cell the size of a small bathroom, no privacy, heavily guarded with intense security. These men are miserable. I have asked them in my therapy group: “Raise your hand if you want to be living here for years at a time separated from your family.” There is never a raised hand. But when they connect alcohol, drugs, women, gangs, hustles, and criminal activity together, connected to all of that is prison and everything connected to prison. Did they want to be in prison? Well, they don’t know that they are in prison. When they connect the lifestyle of the street to the lifestyle of prison, it’s a reality check of life-changing proportion.

With everything to gain with a healthy lifestyle of recovery, and everything to lose with the insanity of the criminal lifestyle resulting in incarceration, most (if not all) of the men will battle with ambivalent feelings that are resistant to recovery upon release from prison. They may be successful in their drug-dealing transactions 49 times, then the 50th time they are arrested or killed or maimed by a bullet and their life changes forever, losing time and opportunity they can never get back. But 49 out of 50! That’s a 98 percent success rate! That’s got to be worth the risk, right?

Should they give in to their ambivalence and give way to their old ways of thinking and behaving and wanting, they will get what they want and all that is connected to it as if they wanted the life that is prison. They must internalize the pain of their experience in such a way that they are able to leverage their pain and loss against what they have to gain and win in their freedom to live and love, experiencing peace and joy. Maybe then, can they have a better understanding into awareness of what they really want in their life as they contemplate lifestyle choices and determine to act out a lifestyle of sustained recovery.

The Apostle Paul of the Bible said, “I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.” (Philippians 4:13) Paul is the same guy that said, “I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death?” (Romans 7:21-24)

What gives? One minute Paul has learned the secret of being content and the next he’s discovered that he’s miserably discontent. This issue of ‘me’dom describes the human condition that defines our experience. Both are true: our discovery that we are under the control of our self-centered ways of thinking and behaving, and, we can experience freedom from our ongoing and deepening dissatisfaction. Jesus said, “You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” They asked him, “What do you mean set free? We’ve never been anyone’s slave.” Jesus replied, “I tell you the truth, everyone who sins is a slave of sin.” (John 8:32-34) Sin is the Bible’s three-letter word for our selfish intentions and behavior. In other words, the first time we gave into the drug of selfishness we became addicted. The truth is that Jesus Christ wants to lift the weight of our burden since He can and will if we seek Him.

The problem we all experience is that our brain is in perpetual “go” mode, always excited. There is part of our biochemical make up that wants what it wants when it wants it, and never stops wanting more—the insatiable drive for instant gratification. There is another area of the brain trying to apply the brakes (inhibit), trying to tell the “go” part of the brain to stop, to wait, and to slow down. Both parts of the biochemical make up of our brains are essentially working selfishly to maximize gain and minimize loss. It’s through this attempt to establish balance that our values are shaped into some sense of morality—right and wrong, good and evil. Add to this that we are slaves to selfishness, according to Jesus, and we have a need (resulting in inner conflict) greater than what we can do for ourselves to resolve it.

We feed our selfishness one way or another, escalating and intensifying this inner conflict; the battle for resolving our need and satisfying our desire according to the irrational beliefs that seems to justify obsessive thoughts and compulsive and reactive behavior. How we perceive things that happen to us throughout our lives evokes interpretations and thoughts of those events that fuel a belief about them that shape our values and strengthen feelings whether positive or negative. Since so often our interpretation of events is influenced by selfishness and impacted by pain on some level, our belief about the event trends toward being irrational. Our feelings are determined and intensified by our belief and then we react with behavior that so easily brings results in pain for us and others, including to those we love.

Irrational beliefs are triggered and fueled by historical events in your life revolving around your most important relationships. You may have never known your father or mother, or lost a parent to divorce or death during your early childhood years, but that was still a relationship of primary importance. Abandonment, betrayal, alienation and rejection can distort your thoughts and feelings about yourself to the extent that an entire belief system about yourself and your place in the world is realized and acted out through lifestyle choices and behavior. Guilt is distorted into shame, the internalizing of guilt until it somehow defines you. Instead of “I did a bad thing”—guilt; shame says, “I am a bad person”. Instead of “I made a mistake”—guilt; shame screams to you inner mind, “I am a mistake… I am a failure”. These are distorted stinky thoughts that elicit irrational beliefs that fuel immense feelings driving destructive behavior.

What is irrational about these beliefs is that there is one thing that we want that has a thousand points, maybe ten thousand points worth of gains and benefits, but we stand to lose a million points worth of destructive painful consequences. Yet, we will still choose what stands to lose so much more than what could possible be gained. Is that true of you? Do you want prison? Do you want to live there? Do you want to be imprisoned by the painful memories of your past? Do you want to be imprisoned by anger and resentment? Is it worth it you to stay in your prison? How sick is that? Hmm…

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. Romans 12:1-3 (NIV)

Lesson: Ambivalence—Measuring Risk (pain) & Reward (pleasure)