by Steven Gledhill for FREEdom from MEdom Project
President Barack Obama, in 2008, said the following: “I was so obsessed with me and the reasons I might be dissatisfied that I couldn’t focus on other people… Whenever I take wrong steps a lot of the times I protect myself instead of trying to do God’s work.” I’m not sure whether he realized it or not, but this might be the most profound statement outside of Scripture speaking to the human condition that I think I’ve ever heard. It’s loaded with insight. It speaks of our addiction to self, failed or unmet expectations and its effect on us and our relationships, the adverse consequence of resulting behavior, the fear that drives us into self-preservation mode, and finally, the distraction from fellowship with God necessary to know and do His will.
We all want that feeling of self-satisfaction even though we have never really experienced such a feeling. We tend to settle for instant gratification that comes through pleasure or relief. Instant gratification settles some immediate anxiety while it perpetuates (makes worse) our overall chronic anxiety. What we have experienced, and continue to experience is the feeling or sense of dissatisfaction. We experience dissatisfaction within our physical bodies, our thoughts and feelings, our circumstances, our relationships, and in the world. Such dissatisfaction is derived from unmet and failed expectations.
The scope of these failed expectations can range from the discomfort of a mosquito bite to extreme physical pain; from not getting that bike as a kid to not getting the promotion you felt you were in line for; from being teased by a sibling or friend to physical, emotional and sexual abuse from a parent; from being stuck in traffic to being a victim of a crime; from catching a cold to falling prey to a debilitating disease; from that boy or girl not going out with you as a young person to the experience of divorce and custody battles. You get the idea.
From our history of life experiences comes pain and sorrow, and guilt and shame. There is content in FFMP that delves deep into the differences between guilt and shame. Bottom line on the differences is that guilt represents behavior resulting in mistakes, wrongs, and harm that present the opportunity for learning, repentance, and growth. While shame—the internalizing of harm and wrong to the point that it defines one’s belief system, tends to lead to feelings of failure, sorrow, depression, and fear. Guilt allows a person to move forward while shame can completely paralyze and immobilize its victim.
The problem is that the true picture of guilt and shame has been clouded by a plethora of fictional tales along the way that lead us to believethings about ourselves that are hardly the whole truth. Let’s look at a valuable tool for examining the problem of irrational beliefs called REBT, Rational Emotive Behavioral Theory, by Albert Ellis.
RATIONAL—cognitive mind; thinking
EMOTIVE—emotional system; feeling
BEHAVIORAL—actions driven by thoughts and feelings
- Jesus said to love God with all of your SOUL (spiritually), MIND (cognitively), HEART (behaviorally) and BODY/Strength (physically); and to love your neighbor as yourself.
- This is easier said than done. Why? Because in our own strength, we lack sufficient willpower to adequately loveand take care of ourselves. Thoughts and feelings invade our minds and infect us; polluting and perverting our belief system to the extent that intentions and reactions become irrational, thus become self-destructive and then other-destructive.
A = Activating Event
- Identify examples of occurrences that have led to—activated—intense feelings that impact thinking concerning the past, present and future.
- Examples of events can include physical, verbal and sexual abuse; absence of affection growing up; feeling bullied; scholastic failure; athletic and competitive inferiority; socially traumatic events and situations; family dysfunction; failed relationships; job loss; death with family (spouse, children, parents, siblings, grandparents) and friends; gang interaction and violence; field combat and other military experiences; disease; tragedy/disaster, etc.
B = Belief about A
- Belief is borne out of interpretation of the event(s) activating strong thoughts and feelings. A pattern of occurrences evokes lasting impressions that tend to define how people view the world, relationships, and circumstances in their lives.
- The problem is that the brush of interpretation is a broad brush and alters accurate and more realistic perceptions of facts and truth.
- Irrational beliefs occur when truth is hidden and reality is altered by patterns of events and perceived consistencies associated with history of events.
C = Consequence of A because of B
- Consequences, intended and unintended, are borne out of irrational beliefs.
- Victims of abuse engage in unhealthy dysfunctional troubled relationships, often finding their “peer”, which tends to be a victim of abuse who’s become an abuser.
- Young children bullied and abused by parents likely withdraws and isolates socially with adults and other kids; and/or, bullies and abuses other children while perhaps verbally offending adults.
- Repeated failed expectations, whether they were realistic or not, tend to evoke chronic feelings of disappointment, discouragement and depression; withdrawal, isolation and alienation, and fear; intense anger, resentment and rage; vengeance.
- Additional consequences can include: divorce, chronic unemployment and under employment, underachievement, drop out of school, financial difficulty and bankruptcy, criminal activity and other anti-social behavior.
- Addiction: chemical addiction, food addiction, sexual addiction, approval addiction, relationship addiction and codependency, perfectionism, spending and materialistic addictions, competition and gambling addiction, etc.
Reality versus Fiction—
- Fiction/Lies—Considering life events, list perceptions and strong feelings activated by those events that led to beliefs about self that, looking back, may have been lies about perceptions of self, family and all important relationships; about perceptions of how the world works.
- Reality/Truth—Considering the history of life events, attempt to discern truth about the past and how it can affect current thoughts and feelings concerning past, present, and future relationships and relevant circumstances.
Past—
A = Identify an event of the past that was active in that it affected you deeply
B = Looking back, what do you remember you believed (and perhaps still believe) about A?
C = What ultimately was the consequence of A, the activating event, because ofB, what you believed about A?
- Is it possible that what you believed about A was on some level irrational? Why, or why not?
- What about your beliefs about A might not in fact be accurate?
- How were your beliefs about A impacted by thoughts and memories of past experiences?
- How were the end results of A the consequence of irrational beliefs you may have had about A?
Present—
A = Identify an event that is active in the present that you are dealing with some discomfort over it.
B = What is your initial interpretation or belief about A, the activating event?
C = Consider the potential consequence about A, the activating event, because of what you B, believe, about A.
Same questions in present tense—
- Is it possible that what you believe about A is on some level irrational? Why, or why not?
- What about your beliefs about A might not in fact be accurate?
- How are your beliefs about A impacted by thoughts and memories of past experiences?
- How are the end results of A the consequence of irrational beliefs you may have had about A?
As you do the work of understanding thinking problems, seeing the truth through lies that you tend to believe due to irrational beliefs about activating events throughout your life, you have the opportunity to overcome both real and perceived failures. Failures are unmet expectations whether the expectations are realistic or unrealistic, healthy or unhealthy. Either way, failed expectations tend to affect your reality, which can lead to fear of failure.
Healthy or not, fear trends toward immobility. Ever been so scared you could not move? Fear of failure works the same way. While the need to protect yourself seems to serve a logical purpose, when self-preservation is predicated on an irrational belief then the need to protect yourself serves a purpose that is not logical, perhaps not even sensible. Fear of failure can have a paralyzing effect and your life becomes non-productive.
Overcoming F.E.A.R. (Failed Expectations Affecting Reality)
The more we are pummeled by unmet expectations, the more we develop a deepening sense of failure that results in the experience of fear. Once frozen by fear, we tend to withdraw, feel unworthy, isolate (pull way), alienate (push away), self-preserve and protect, erect barriers and walls, and defer from risk.
Consequences of F.E.A.R. include: unhealthy relationships, dysfunctional families, addictive behaviors, loneliness, tendencies toward passive-aggressive behavior, affection and intimacy issues, engaging in abusive relationships (victim or villain), self-loathing and self-abusive behavior.
- Growing up, what would you say were expectations placed on you that were unrealistic?
- Who placed those expectations upon you?
- How effective were you in meeting unrealistic expectations?
- How did unmet expectations impact your life at the time?
- How do those unmet expectations affect you today?
- What are the expectations that you are living up to today?
- Are they realistic? Why, or why not?
- How does not meeting present day expectations impact your life?
- How does your continuing battle with unrealistic expectations affect you?
- What expectations past and present have you put on yourself?
- Of your self-expectations, which are realistic?
- Of your self-expectations, which are unrealistic?
- How have unrealistic self-expectations impacted your life?
- What do you think needs to happen to reverse the trend and impact of unrealistic expectations you have for yourself?
- What would you say are realistic expectations for your life when you quit believing the lies that have led to past failures? List at least five based on sound recovery principles.
- List at least three action steps that will enable/empower you to meet those realistic expectations with God’s help along the way.
- How do you feel having worked through this application challenge?
Please take some time to pray and to ask God for courage, strength, and comfort to pursue His will and purpose for your life according to His gracious expectations.
