This Week’s Recovery Application Challenge
I love me and I love you for what you do for me. We love from a sense of entitlement of reciprocation and gratification. Love is naturally corrupted by selfishness. So we need the love of God coursing through our being in order to really love someone. Then we can be genuinely compassionate. Then our extension of mercy and grace to another is authentic. Then love is sincere.
This application challenge will deal primarily with the issue of control from the article, Power of the Least Interested Party… When Love Isn’t Fair, the sequel to And Justice for All… When Love Isn’t Fair.
- Honestly… Who typically has the leverage in the key relationships in your life?
- How would you recognize who typically has more of the power and control in your most important relationships?
- Who is the first one to say “I’m sorry” or give a little ground when in conflict?
- Who typically has the primary influence in making key decisions like a major purchase, or how to discipline children, or what to do on a Saturday night, or what to watch on television… you know, those important decisions?
- Whose look (facial expression), attitude, or mood typically motivates the other to take notice… or else?
Unfortunately, in most if not all relationships, “I love you because of how I feel loving you.” Really what that means is, “I love me and I love you for what you do for me.” Therefore, my love for you is conditional on the satisfaction I experience in the relationship. When you do not meet my actions and expressions of love with equal or greater actions and expressions of love, I am disappointed. Maybe I am angry and/or hurt. Perhaps I feel betrayed and/or rejected.
Please allow me to say it again: I love me and I love you for what you do for me. I love from a sense of entitlement; deserving of reciprocation and gratification. Love is naturally corrupted by selfishness. So I need the love of God coursing through my being in order to sincerely love someone. Then I can be genuinely compassionate. Then my extension of mercy and grace to another is authentic. So long as I am selfish and not holding every thought captive unto obedience to God in my relationship with Christ, I will continue to want and pursue my own way, which will naturally promote power struggles angling for leverage in my relationships; not excluding my relationship with God.
The Power of the Least Interested Party principle suggests that the person in the relationship who is even a little bit less interested or invested has the leverage (at least the majority of the leverage) in the relationship. The theory suggests that both parties are interested and both even highly invested, but that the one just a little bit less invested ultimately has the power and the leverage in the relationship.
All who confess that Jesus is the Son of God have God living in them. We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love. God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgment, but we can face him with confidence because we live like Jesus here in this world. Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. We love each other because he loved us first. 1 John 4:15-19 (NLT)
- Understanding that it will not help you to be anything but honest with yourself here, ask yourself: Is there any element of fear in your relationships with those you love; is anyone feeling like he or she is walking on egg shells or tip toeing around the other frequently enough that it is increasingly discomforting? Explain.
- Would you be willing to admit that you are a controlling person, particularly in your relationships?
- If asked, would your loved ones, friends, co-workers, etc. say that you are a controlling person? Explain.
- If asked, would your loved ones, friends, co-workers, etc. say that you think of yourself as superior to them? Explain.
- Would others in your relationships trend toward feeling like they need to seek your approval in matters that would affect you? Explain.
- How do you feel being the one that tends to have the leverage—the power—in most of your key relationships?
- How would you say that maintaining your leverage in your relationships might ultimately cause or make worse problems for you?
- How or why might others in your relationships feel resentment about their inferior position in relationship with you?
- How or why might others in your relationships be in any way afraid of you and your reactions to their actions?
- Are you always or mostly right?
- Would others in your relationships say that you think you are always right, or need to always be right? Explain.
- Are you entitled, or feel that you deserve, to be right most if not all of the time? Explain.
If I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.
Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.
1 Corinthians 13:2-7, 13 (NLT)
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Ephesians 5:21
We know what real love is because Jesus gave up his life for us. So we also ought to give up our lives for our brothers and sisters. If someone has enough money to live well and sees a brother or sister in need but shows no compassion—how can God’s love be in that person? Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions. Our actions will show that we belong to the truth, so we will be confident when we stand before God. 1 John 3:16-19 (NLT)
- What would you say the Bible says about this issue of leverage in relationships?
- What do you think about this matter of submission in your relationships as an outward expression of submission to God in your relationship with Him?
- What can you say needs to change within you to better affect change in your relationships to becoming healthier on both sides of your relationships?
- What can you do to let go of this need to be right and in control?
- What can, and more important will, you do to begin to affect positive healthy change in your relationships, especially with those you claim to love?
- How will you demonstrate a submissive attitude in your relationships with others? What will it look like, especially to them?
“Teacher, which is the most important commandment in the law of Moses?”
Jesus replied, “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments.” Matthew 22:36-40 (NLT)
Jesus has told us that everything there is and everything we do is about loving others as equal to the love we have for ourselves as an outward expression and reflection of our love for God. To profess to love God but then engage in power struggles with those others we claim to love suggests that we are in a power struggle in our relationship with God. Actually, we are in a power struggle in our relationship with God but that’s another lesson for another day.
Please pray on this and ask God for the will to be a more submissive person in your relationships. Ask God to help you to esteem the needs of others as at least equal to your own. Ask Him to reveal to you more and more how to engage in your relationships with an attitude of submission.
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