Since the fall of the human condition, it is a neurobiological reality that we’re born into selfishness. So we all struggle with an innate sense of what we feel (believe) we deserve. The wires in our brains are entangled to want what we want when we want it, which of course is, well… right now. There is no escaping it, and on our own there is not much we can do about it.
We are neurologically inclined to believe that we do not have to choose between this thing that we want and value most for our lives (to be free in every way), and that thing that we settle for that is attractive—even compelling—that is in the end associated with harm, discomfort, and pain. Our brain trends toward believing that we can obtain and achieve both this and that, even though they inherently oppose each other; a self-deceptive contradiction. Caught up in this vicious cycle, it’s our ambivalence when having to choose enslaves our minds.
When it’s a choice between this, which is best, or that, which has appeal but pales in comparison (and potentially harmful), betrayed by emotion we will too often choose that which feels good in the moment to reduce discomforting dissatisfaction, at the expense of what we reasonably know is best. We then regret the outcome we have to live with, grieving the loss of what we know we value most.
Held Hostage
I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life? Romans 7:21-24 (NLT)
This suggests that I need help because I am conditioned to responding to powerful emotional forces controlling my behavioral choices. These emotional forces override intellectual sensibilities that measure reward and consequence against pleasure and pain. Once rationally impaired from within, giving into urges and cravings that detour me from what sensibly is right and good is the conditioned behavior, producing harmful and destructive consequences hurting me and all those affected by me.
Temptation is directed by the compulsion to be free. Because we lose our way, we are misdirected in our search for the right road to somewhere better than where we are. Driven by emotional forces desperate for relief from pain and release from bondage, we are controlled by what looks, sounds, and feels like the next best thing. We’ve been bought by the master of all that is selfish and propelled by the need for more.
They promise freedom, but they themselves are slaves of sin and corruption. For you are a slave to whatever controls you. 2 Peter 2:19 (NLT)
We can be so angry and burdened with resentment for so long that it becomes a serious element of what feels normal to us; so much so that we become numb to it. It constricts are minds to the point that we can cut ourselves off from experiencing any joy in our lives. We cut off opportunities for better relationships when resentment spawns so much distrust in the possibility that anyone is good. Too much disloyalty, betrayal, and disappointment. Why try anymore?
So often, family members are tired from disappointment, filled with such resentment that little else is left but ongoing conflict. The home is one of chaos and contention. Conversations are arguments and confrontations. Everyone is sick of it, and emotionally sick from it, but no one knows what to do about it. The combatants have dug in. The battles are ruthless and relentless. The adults are fed up with each other as they project their anxiety and stress onto their children. So much tension.
“Confrontation without love is hostility.” —Tony Evans, Pastor and author
The children beset with overwhelming anxiety take it into their social relationships. The result is the repetition of what is modeled at home. Teenage boys become bullies or are bullied. Teenage girls may come to believe that it is normal for guys to prey on their vulnerability if it is what they are used to seeing in their home. The girls bully each other, too. It is an incredible challenge to change the normal that is severe interactive dysfunction.
How does the weight of life’s challenges affect how you approach your day? Why take on the stress of the next challenge when so sure in your gut it will only lead to certain disappointment?
When tireless efforts lead to betrayal and disappointment, wounds run deep and the constant trying can feel so futile. The storm of testing is imminent. Every next failed expectation is a harbinger of prolonged heartache and struggle. Perhaps feeling worthless, with damaged self-esteem and diminished confidence, there is that tendency to isolate, doubting that you can do anything about anything. Who can blame you for giving up? But, how will the behavioral choices associated with giving up truly remedy your discomfort?
Hurt hurts. The burden of overwhelming experiences can weigh so heavily upon you that it crushes your soul. Their have been people in your life responsible for some of the damage. Specific individuals may have been the source of severe trauma in your life. They have chosen to satisfy their own needs at the expense of yours. What you’ve experienced has been painted indelibly into your memory; so embedded into your thinking patterns and process that you lack the motivation to do much, if anything.
Resentment as Self-Defense
When does resentment escalate—or sink—into bitterness? Where is the line between resentment and hatred? When does resentment spawn the desire for vengeance? How is resentment a wall of self-defense?
Resentment is the breeding ground for division and all kinds of confusion and disorder since so little is forgiven today. Resentment full-grown is hatred. When resentment is the natural response to deliberate offenses against you, such as abuse, neglect, betrayal and abandonment, protecting the pain feels normal. Resentment is the modus operandi for one’s self-defense.
There is no doubt that there are villains in the world that are evil, leaving victims in their wake. Perhaps, that is your experience, or that of someone you care about. Physical, emotional (relational), and sexual abuse involve some degree of wickedness. When someone who you’ve expected to love you—someone you trust with your life—turns and betrays you through some form of abuse, it can be traumatic and severely painful. When something good turns bad into something evil, breaking you down to the point that you feel you’ll never trust love again, how do you recover from that?
“When you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too.” Mark 11:25 (NLT)
If someone has been the vehicle for trauma and deep hurt in your life, the mere notion of forgiveness might be enough to make you sick. If someone toxic is consistently making your life miserable in some way, how do you forgive that person? It feels impossible to forgive someone who has been a thorn in your side, and/or has wounded you severely.
The deception is that forgiveness somehow frees the offender from what they did to you. The lie is that the process of letting go through forgiveness will reopen or deepen the wound. The opposite is true. Forgiveness is for the sake of healing wounds through the process of letting go. When the wound involves a loved one, the life of the relationship suffers for so long as the hurt festers from within. Mercy is a repositioning of the heart meant for your benefit. Grace is a gift from God to forgive when someone you love has deeply offended you. God desires your freedom from the hurt of the offense. To be released from the burden of resentment is liberating. It’s what ultimately sets you free. As forgiveness from a gracious heart protects and strengthens the life of a relationship with someone you love, it is something quite special.
Please understand, however, that there are times when forgiveness of the offender is for your betterment, and yours alone. There are times when forgiving those who have violated you does not involve reconciliation. When the violator is unrepentant, or is someone not directly involved in your life, except for the sole experience of the trauma in your life, forgiving that person is intended for your healing only. You need not reach out to the violator. You need not find yourself in harm’s way, or any place that might reopen a wound. It is your spiritual and emotional restoration that is at stake. You are not meant to reconcile that relationship. The only exception is if God should afford you the kind of miraculous grace that you feel something from deep inside to reach out. You wouldn’t have to wonder about it. You would know with certainty.
As far as your responsibility goes, live at peace with everyone. Never take vengeance into your own hands, my dear friends: stand back and let God punish if he will. For it is written: ‘Vengeance is mine. I will repay’. These are God’s words: ‘Therefore if your enemy hungers, feed him; if he thirsts, give him a drink; for in so doing you will heap coals of fire on his head’. Don’t allow yourself to be overpowered with evil. Take the offensive—overpower evil by good! Romans 12:18-21 (PHILLIPS)
Evil is propagated and perpetuated by those seeking satisfaction through means that does harm to others, and in the end to themselves when there is no repentance. We are instructed to choose right over evil, even to those deliberately causing harm to us. To respond to evil with evil as a means to justice, leads to hypocrisy. To be overcome with evil is to become that which we hate. It would only add to our misery should we diminished by hate; lessening the best of who we are at our core. To abhor evil by doing good does not feel good. It feels wrong. It feels unjust. It’s not fair! If we choose to repay evil with evil, we do so to seek our own need to feel better at the offender’s expense. After all, they deserve it, don’t they? But again, at what cost to us? It’s, as they say, a slippery slope.
Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good. Romans 12:9 (NKJV)
What a mess! How do we best identify and examine irrational beliefs? How do we confront and challenge irrational beliefs when we struggle so to accept that they’re irrational? Are we doomed to the logical consequences of our making? It’s too much! Only the One who made us in the first place can fully restore us into what we were created to be… rewire our brains, so to speak.
We need help confronting irrational beliefs fueling feelings and thoughts driving behavior.
What FREEdom from MEdom Project intends to be is an honest in-depth discussion going deep into the process of how we think and behave; a vehicle to unveiling truth; targeting proven realistic solutions that make the most sense.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:6-7, 11-13 (NIV)
Why stumble all over the internet when you can find most of what you’re looking for at one location?
The vision for this site has always been to develop one location full of rooms loaded with helpful resources. Contained within each room is an accessible library full of variety and potential for freedom finders to experience something authentically better and hopeful. And most importantly, that freedom finders would come to experience relationship with the giver of new life.
FREEdom from MEdom Project tackles the challenge of determining whether addictive behavior is a disease or a matter of personal choice and responsibility. The spectrum of addictive—“using”—behavior is broad. What is at its root… it’s core? What’s all included when considering what’s referred to as using behavior? Using behavior is any unhealthy, potentially harmful self-soothing mechanism to remedy discomfort.
“Your problem isn’t that you’re afraid. It’s what you do with the fear that really matters.” —Rick Warren, Pastor & author
The Enemy? FEAR
F Failed
E Expectations
A Affecting your
R Reality
What we are likely doing more than anything else in our management of anxiety and stress, and coping with discomfort and struggle, is primarily our response to fear. Yes, there is the fear of painful experiences being repeated, but what tends to feed into our fear the most is the not knowing. It’s overthinking “What if?” that feeds into our fear more than anything. The unknowns in life drive fear, suspicion, and doubt. Not to overstate the obvious, but it is fear that disturbs peace and steals the experience of contentment and joy.
When there has been pain, particularly when pain involves trauma, everything and everyone is suspect. How do I know I can trust it? How I do I know I can trust you? How can I trust you when I don’t even trust myself?
“Fear can be an extremely effective motivator… The terror moves us to take immediate steps to defend ourselves… Fear can also be a two-edged sword. Though it undoubtedly motivates, it can also paralyze us into doing nothing.” —John W. Ritenbaugh, Berean Daily Devotional
This lack (or absence) of trust and confidence in the hope that there is good in life, and the people in it, is what breaks the back of hope. Anyone feeling hopeless is stuck in a place of distrust, lacking confidence. Hopelessness is rooted in the fear that most, if not all, is lost.
Deconstructing Normal
Yielding to feelings that distort beliefs, twisting and bending thinking patterns that drive destructive behavior, has become normal to the point we are slaves to this cyclical reality. The mandate for recovery that is real is to deconstruct that normal in order to reconstruct a new, better, much healthier normal. Far easier said than done but entirely possible with the right support.
Recovery means regaining what I’ve lost, repairing what’s broke, and restoring what’s worn me down. Recovery fully realized is a transformative, life-changing process; not only improving my quality of living, but having a restorative effect into what I was always meant to be. Its impact can be powerful, like being changed into something new.
“The search for wholeness compels every person, every hour of our lives, whether we know it or not. We ache to be made whole again. And only one person on earth can do this for the heart and soul he himself created.” —John Eldredge
A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit saps a person’s strength. Proverbs 17:22 (NLT)
Recovery is truly essential to the life I want and hope to experience. Who isn’t flawed? In so many ways over time, life experiences tend to pick me apart, perhaps slowly but surely. Living life is about being a flawed human, affected by other humans, embattled with their own flaws while they live in my world. It’s not enough that I make my own mess. Experiencing life with you, I live in your mess too. What a mess!
Living as an imperfect vessel, an imperfect life, with imperfect humans, in a far from perfect world, takes its toll regardless of how long you’ve lived that life. Adults are overwhelmed by a mixed brew of deflating anxiety and stress, and young people are especially overwhelmed by the anxiety and stress their under-developed brains are ill-equipped to manage effectively. Life experiences produce a belief system that is often suspect, to say the least.
As I have stated, the system is broken. Families are broken. Communities are infected with jealousy and resentment. Society is unforgiving. People are jaded by foolish ambition and tend to be sorted by greed. Expectations are so often warped by overwhelming anxiety and stress, which at its core is fear.
“Uncertainty breeds fear, and the world is an uncertain place. We live in a world shaken by fear, apprehension, and anxiety. Fear can paralyze us and keep us from believing in God. Historians will probably call our era “the age of anxiety.” Anxiety is the natural result when our hopes are centered in anything short of God and His will for us. Focus, instead, on the steadfast Savior, who ever lives and ever reigns. There is nothing to fear when our faith is in the One who controls it all.” —Billy Graham, Evangelist & author
How has a lifetime’s worth of experiences infected self-perception? what is holding you hostage? How have your values been distorted and beliefs twisted by pain and struggle? How has your suffering fueled a deeply rooted sense of inadequacy? Life produces circumstances that are scary enough, but when our own chronic choices produce harmful outcomes, the fear that ensues can be crippling.
Evil will deceive us, sinking its teeth into how we think and behave. Evil often disguises itself as something quite attractive; beautiful even. The deceit is evil drawing you in, seducing you into believing your on track to obtaining what you want most, while all the while dragging you the opposite direction from what you want and value. And then, evil does what it does best. It takes from you everything that you love and value most.
How do you sift through subjective distortions and deceptions to recognize and accept reasonably objective truth?
Even King David of the Old Testament, wrote the following:
My guilt overwhelms me—it is a burden too heavy to bear. My wounds fester and stink because of my foolish sins. I am bent over and racked with pain. All day long I walk around filled with grief. A raging fever burns within me, and my health is broken. I am exhausted and completely crushed. My groans come from an anguished heart. You know what I long for, Lord; you hear my every sigh. My heart beats wildly, my strength fails, and I am going blind. My loved ones and friends stay away, fearing my disease. Even my own family stands at a distance. Psalm 38:4-11 (NLT)
King David, swayed by twisted beliefs and distorted values, repeated regrettable behavioral choices that cost him nearly everything. Burdened by fear, David’s erratic behavior produced increased pain and suffering to himself and others. David would confess his mistakes to God, whether to assuage his guilt, or because in the moment he was truly repentant. And then again and again, he repeated what might be described as depravity in the way he behaved and treated people. But, for the man who had it all, it caught up with him.
Regardless of one’s age, at the root core of anxiety, stress, and situational depression is fear. Fear is a logical human response to loss on account of abandoned trust. Fear and loss are at the heart of most of what ails us. Loss identifies the foreboding impact of risk and distrust in our choices and how we affect, or are affected by, others. Fear breeds insecurity and a brooding sense of inadequacy, draining us of motivation and resolve. When feeling broken; that perhaps happiness is merely an implausible idea that’s not realistic, one can sink into feeling hopeless, merely managing another day with a heavy heart.
“Don’t let the curtain of fear drape your heart’s desires. One of the most important things you can do in life is learn to pull back the curtain of fear so you can see it for what it really is—the enemy pressing your buttons. Think about all of the things you’ve always wanted to do but haven’t because of fear. Whenever you’re tempted to doubt your ability to start something new and accomplish something, recognize that feeling as a symptom of fear—it’s not reality. Pull back that curtain of fear and believe that God is working in you.” —Joel Osteen, Pastor & author
Fear is a hostile enemy in constant opposition to freedom, hope and authentic love. To lose hope is to lower expectations. Expecting less from God is the logical result of investing less in relationship with God. God is all about loving you and, therefore, investing in you. All love is best experienced in relationship with God. So, it suits you to trust that God loves you, and to expect that God wants the best for your life.
Since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory. This hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time. Romans 5:1-2, 5-6 (NLT)
There is a clear distinction between hopeless and helpless. Hopeless is the reality of having absolutely nothing or no one available or accessible to you when you are in a place of desperation. The need is overwhelming and insurmountable, and nobody’s coming, no matter how loud your cry is for help. Helpless, on the other hand, is the reality that you cannot achieve or overcome something on your own without help or any form of assistance or support.
Where will sufficient support come from that is essential to my healing and restoration into a better quality of living?
Continue reading by clicking on, From Fear to Faith
Written by Steven Gledhill for FREEdom from MEdom Project
