This Week’s Recovery Application Challenge
Please refer to TWIRL 036 prior to proceeding with TWRAC 036.
Strangulation by Triangulation vs. Healthy Confrontation
Empathy is Communicating Understanding
The action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner. (Merriam-Webster Dictionary)
Empathy is such a popular term these days, but what exactly does it mean? What are you listening for in the effort to understand and validate? The truth is that we will not always understand what we are listening to while communicating making it especially challenging to show empathy. Empathy has more to do with the intent to understand than it does the actual understanding. Counselors and doctors show empathy to their patients, not necessarily by way of statements that reflect understanding, but rather by asking a series of questions. As counselors, we often use an approach to empathy referred to as reflective listening. Reflective listening involves repeating back what the person just said but in way that leads to a question.
The husband in therapy says to the counselor: “How many times do I have to remind my wife not to put my softball jersey in the dryer?”
The counselor might respond: “You sound really upset and frustrated that your jersey ended up in the dryer. What challenges does that present for you?”
Husband: “My jersey shrinks; the numbers and lettering come off, and I have to replace it.”
Counselor: “That would be frustrating. What could you do differently so that your softball gear doesn’t end up in the dryer?”
Husband: “My wife could pay closer attention to what goes in the dryer and ask me before she loads the dryer.”
Counselor: “I asked, ‘What could you differently so that your softball gear doesn’t end up in the dryer?”
Husband: “I suppose I could take responsibility for laundering my softball gear.”
Counselor: “That sounds like a good plan. It is responsible, it’s practical, and sounds like it’s doable. How would you feel knowing that your softball gear is cleaned how you want when you take responsibility for it?”
Husband: “It would make things easier in the long run.”
Counselor: “With all of the laundry your wife is responsible for, how do you think she will react to you taking responsibility for washing your athletic gear?”
Husband: “It’s one less thing she has to deal with on laundry day.”
Counselor: “How would you say that feels for your wife on laundry day?”
Husband: “Besides a little less stress about this or that when it comes to the laundry, she’ll probably feel good that her husband is helping out with a chore, even if it is my stuff that I am helping out with.”
Counselor: “What might that do for how well the two of you get along?”
Husband: “Well there is a lot more that I’m sure she’d say I need to be doing, but it could be huge for us.”
Counselor: “What else might she say you need to be doing?”
And then the counselor would work with the husband and wife to strategize ways to function and communicate that are effective and productive. What is interesting is that the counselor mostly asked questions without blaming anybody or making any to-do statements that could prove threatening and break down communication. The counselor may not have ever had the issue in his life concerning the damaging of athletic gear in the laundry. What the counselor did was reflectively ask questions and on occasion highlight a feeling that he as the counselor could identify with. The counselor could imagine what something might feel like, or what he might feel in a similar situation, and communicate understanding. Then, in expressing the practicality of the plan—saying that it’s a good plan—the counselor validated his patient in a way that disarmed his feelings of helplessness, while empowering him to take ownership for laundering his gear. That is empathy.
How do “common” everyday people share empathy in each interactive relationship? First of all, take notice that this example of a counseling session did not contain all kinds of blathering psychobabble. It was a conversation. The counselor used something referred to as reflective listening—each response reflecting understanding of what the husband was communicating. It sounds like a conversation a parent might have with a teenager trying to work through something. Except in this case, the interplay in the dialog was Adult-to-Adult throughout.
Here is what is most difficult when the objective is Adult-to-Adult interactive communication. In PAC Model B the husband initiates with Parent-to-Child communication. Notice that the wife does not respond Child-to-Parent, but rather she responds Adult-to-Adult. The husband proceeded address her Parent-to-Child, but she continued to use empathy in her Adult-to-Adult responses. Her use of empathy changed the tenor of the interaction as her husband’s anxiety was disarmed and his “better side” followed up with Adult-to-Adult responses. It is in the heat of the moment that Adult-Adult interaction is most challenging and difficult, but not at all impossible.
The Parent persona always directs communication to the Child persona. The Child persona always directs communication to the Parent persona, and the Adult persona always directs communication to the Adult persona. The critical element of Adult communication is for at least one person to be committed to Adult communication even when the other person is communicating from their parent or child persona. That is what the wife committed to doing in PAC Model B to the point that the interaction was empowered to grow into Adult communication.
LUV Language—Listen, Understand, Validate
This LUV language of communication has been taught by Dr. Gary Smalley and many others.
Listen—
The Three Basic Listening Modes (Dr. Larry Nadig)
- Competitive or Combative Listening happens when we are more interested in promoting our own point of view than in understanding or exploring someone else’s view. We either listen for openings to take the floor, or for flaws or weak points we can attack. As we pretend to pay attention we are impatiently waiting for an opening, or internally formulating our rebuttal and planning our devastating comeback that will destroy their argument and make us the victor.
- Attentive Listening happens when we are genuinely interested in hearing and understanding the other person’s point of view. We assume that we heard and understand correctly, but stay passive and do not verify it.
- Active or Reflective Listening is the single most useful and important listening skill. In active listening we are also genuinely interested in understanding what the other person is thinking, feeling, wanting or what the message means, and we are active in checking out our understanding before we respond with our own new message. We restate or paraphrase our understanding of their message and reflect it back to the sender for verification. This verification or feedback process is what distinguishes active listening and makes it effective.
It has been said that listening is a skill. Effective listening requires intent on the part of the listener to be engaged in the conversation. Someone intent on really listening to remove and minimize distractions. It may not be enough to flip the book over, or turn the volume down on the television. Instead, mark your spot and close the book, and perhaps set it aside. Turn the television off and commit your attention to the person speaking to you. Effective listening allows the speaker to complete sentences and thoughts. The temptation can be intense to complete the speakers sentences, or briefly summarize what is being said to move the conversation along. The other temptation is to interject unwarranted opinions, advice, and humor as distraction to intently listening. Avoid such interjections until it is asked for or until it is clear that the speaker has completed the expression of their thought. Avoid being preoccupied with what you are going to say, looking for the right spot to jump in, and not really listening to what is being said.
Listening Strategy
- Depending on the purpose of the interaction and your understanding of what is relevant, you could reflect back the other person’s:
- Account of the facts
- Thoughts and beliefs
- Feelings and emotions
- Wants, needs or motivation
- Hopes and expectations
- Don’t respond to just the meaning of the words, look for the feelings or intent beyond the words. The dictionary or surface meaning of the words or code used by the sender is not the message.
- Inhibit your impulse to immediately answer questions. The code may be in the form of a question. Sometimes people ask questions when they really want to express themselves and are not open to hearing an answer.
- Inhibit your impulse to immediately answer questions. The code may be in the form of a question. Sometimes people ask questions when they really want to express themselves and are not open to hearing an answer.
- If you are confused and know you do not understand, either tell the person you don’t understand and ask him/her to say it another way, or use your best guess. If you are incorrect, the person will realize it and will likely attempt to correct your misunderstanding.
- Use eye contact and listening body language. Avoid looking at your watch or at other people or activities around the room. Face and lean toward the speaker and nod your head, as it is appropriate. Be careful about crossing your arms and appearing closed or critical.
- Be empathic and nonjudgmental. You can be accepting and respectful of the person and their feelings and beliefs without invalidating or giving up your own position, or without agreeing with the accuracy and validity of their view.
Understand—
To better understand what is being communicated requires attentive listening, meaning that you are paying direct attention to the one speaking to you; not only paying attention to the words spoken, but also being attentive to nonverbal communication expressed through body language and facial expression.
What is the communicator’s eyes trying to say? In 1971, The Moody Blues released the song, “The Story in Your Eyes”. A person’s eyes can reflect so well, the emotion embedded in the spoken word. While body language can be rather confusing, the eyes, mouth, and cheeks on the communicator’s face tend to paint an accurate picture of the thoughts and feelings the communicator intends to convey. The eyes communicate joy, sadness, anger, tolerance, approval and disapproval. When you smile, your cheeks tend to elevate, and your eyes appear “brighter” and “warmer”. When you frown, your cheeks droop, and your eye muscles seem to sag, and you appear cold and less interested in the interactive process.
Much is said about body posture in the communication process. If you are sitting upright, it is said that you are more interested. If you are slouching in your chair, perhaps you are less interested. If you are leaning forward, then you must be engaging; but if you are leaning forward too much, either you are chomping at the bit to talk regardless of what else is said, or you are on the edge of your seat and anxious to leave. If you stand up during communication, while the other person remains seated, then perhaps you are looking to gain psychological advantage.
There is a lot to be said for nonverbal cues detected in body posture, but it is also true that body posture becomes a tool in the games people play in the interactive process. The same could be said about facial expression and the smile since often times they are used to persuade you in some way. However, the action of the mouth and the look in the eyes tend to speak to the communicator’s countenance—meaning the mood and the attitude reflected in facial expression, such as calm, composed, favor, anxious, sad, confident. Facial expressions tend to be more obvious and expressive than body language, though all of it is communicating something.
When you are listening, the intention to understand what the communicator is meaning to convey, then, is focused on the nonverbal at least as much as the spoken word. Seek to understand by listening for the emotion driving the communication. While you may not always be able to detect emotions when their delivered in subtlety, you can usually perceive that something is at least important to the communicator.
Validate—
Validation is next in the progression of this LUV language of communication. It is the critical piece to reflective listening. Each time your response includes a paraphrase of what has been spoken to you, and identify verbally the emotion of the communicator, the result is validation that he or she is worth your attention, that you are engaged in the interactive communication process, and that you really do care and understand. We all have a built in need to be validated as being worthwhile and important. So when we validate and are validated as a form of interactive exchange, it feels better.
- So how do you validate as a way to express empathy?
Well, while your listening and you perceive the emotion of anger, you might respond by repeating back in your own words what was said but preface your response by saying, “I sense you’re angry about… ” or conclude your response with, ” … you seem to be prettyupset about it.” The same can be said about identify positive emotions (“you sound really happy about that” or “it sounds like you really enjoyed yourself”)
How do you respond if you sense concern but are unable to identify deeper emotion than that?
Reply with a simple response that does not assume the risk of misidentifying emotion or triggering non-intended emotion: “I can tell you are concerned about that”, or “That isobviously important to you.” Words like ‘concerned’ and ‘important’ usually apply even when you are not sure how or why it is important or of concern. Other validation words that do not necessarily carry as much intensity that are safe include: ‘upset’, ‘disappointed’, ‘feel good’ (“sounds like you feel pretty good about that”), and tend to carry less risk when you are not as certain how to identify deeper, more intense emotions such as: angry, resentful, bitter, shameful, failure, happy, joyful, festive, foolish, and so on.
LUV—listen, understand, validate—when applied in interactive communication can, and should, have the effect as disarming and empowering. Disarming because (and this especially true if the raw emotion is directed at you in confrontation) it suggests that you are, at least in part, agreeable, even when you do not necessarily agree; and empowering because of the apparent vulnerability it takes to understand what someone is feeling, communicating access to the part of you that is engaged emotionally. LUV, when applied is the open door to Adult-to-Adult interaction.
- Identify an important relationship. How effective would you say your communication is in this relationship? Explain.
- What would you say is your common approach to listening in this relationship?
- How effective would you say you are at understanding what is being communicated (i.e., thoughts, feelings, meanings)?
- How are you able to validate the the emotion and relevant points in the message being communicated?
See it at Work—
Let’s re-examine the brief communication between husband and wife and compare the difference of approach when the LUV language has implemented.
Parent-Child interaction without LUV:
Husband/Initiator: “How many times do I have to remind you not to put my softball jersey in the dryer?
- Wife/Receiver: “I’m sorry, but I wasn’t paying attention.”
- Husband: “How many jerseys have you ruined this year? I’m going broke replacing them.”
- Wife: “I’ve got the kids laundry… your laundry… it’s too much!”
- Husband: “You’re so careless… I can’t believe you sometimes.”
- Wife: “If you weren’t so self-absorbed…”
- Husband: “You’re the one always complaining.”
- Wife: “Could you be more selfish? You’re impossible!”
- Husband: “You’re an idiot!”
- Wife: “You’re a fool!”
Adult-Adult interaction with LUV:
- Husband: “How many times do I have to remind you not to put my softball jersey in the dryer?”
- Wife: “I’m sorry, I suppose I could have paid better attention.”
- Husband: “How many jerseys have you ruined this year? I’m going broke replacing them.”
- Wife: “I understand that you’re frustrated. I assure you that it was an accident; I wasn’t thinking clearly.”
- Husband: “I understand, too, that you have an awful lot of responsibility around here. I guess it isn’t so important that I tear you apart over it. You didn’t deserve that.”
- Wife: “Thanks for understanding. Do you think you could help me out with a few things I need so I can be more attentive to what you need?”
- Husband: “I know of a few of the things that are important that you need help with. Would you jot a few of the other things down for me?”
- Wife: “Sure, I appreciate your willingness to help.”
- Husband: “Thank you for being so patient with me.”
- Wife: “Because I love you… that’s marriage.”
Questions for you:
- What changed from the approach to communicating without LUV and when LUV was implemented?
- How would you say the wife responded from her husband’s Parent-Child rant when she listened intently to what he was communicating to her?
- How would you say she came to understand what her husband needed from her?
- How would you say she was able to validate what he appeared to need from her?
What changed the pattern from Parent-Child to Adult-Adult in their confrontation was the wife’s use of empathy. While the husband ranted about his ruined baseball jersey, the wife made it her purpose to listen to him. Listening intently, she came to understand that this was important to him, regardless of the place the jersey held in the context of her daily circumstances and responsibilities. Even while her husband continued his Parent-Child rant, from the Adult persona, she made it her intention to validate her husband’s concerns.
- What would you say needs to happen to be able to implement the LUV approach to your communication in your relationships?
- What would you agree that you need to do to implement LUV into how you interact and communicate?
- On a scale of 1-10, how confident are you in your ability to be empathetic using LUV in your approach to confrontation in the heat of the moment?
- What then would you say about your ability to maintain control of the intensity within you to be able to be disciplined in LUV in the heat of the moment?
- In your relationship with Jesus Christ, what would you say about God’s ability to empower you to interact and communicate effectively in your relationships, from those most important to casual acquaintances?
- On a scale of 1-10, how confident are you in God’s ability to empower you to communicate more effectively?
- How then can and will you access God’s power in the heat of the moment?
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